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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Resolutions are as old as the New Year concept itself going back to 4000 BC with the Babylonians. The most popular resolution then was to return borrowed farming equipment.

Like today, after about two weeks people gave up on their resolutions which means the borrowed farming equipment was never returned.

To avoid the trap so many others fall into, I’ve decided to make resolutions I know I can keep.

Here are my New Year’s resolutions:

Gain weight

To accomplish this I must first give up salads, fresh fruit, and any other healthy crap that’ll keep my weight down. I must also increase my junk-food intake. Not only does this mean larger portions – two Big Macs instead of one, for example – but also side orders. Do I want fries with that? I sure as hell do! And a milkshake would be nice too, thank you.

Instead of snacking on fruit, I’ll eat potato chips and plenty of them. I will eat them with dip – plus an assortment of jumbo pretzels, cracklin’ pork rinds and heaping helpings of cheese whiz.

Be less organized

I had something really witty to say here and even went through the trouble of writing it down in advance. However, I’ve now lost my notes. See, it’s working already!

Increase my smoking habit

I’m barely finishing one pack per day, but resolve to smoke two packs each day in the coming year. To aid in this, I plan to start smoking in bed – no matter how tired and/or drunk I am at the time. Certain sacrifices must be made if I’m to keep my eye on the prize.

Exercise Less

Mostly this involves sleeping more and only moving my body when absolutely necessary.So, for example, if a truck barreling down the road jumps the curb and is headed directly at me I’ll jump out of the way. That’s exercise.

However if the phone rings, and I have to get out of bed to answer it, I’ll let the machine get it. When I later have to move, like if I have to get up to pee or something, I’ll make it a point to check my messages. Otherwise, that would involve – in some small way – exercise. Of course, if I keep an empty bottle next to the bed I could reasonably avoid a trip to the bathroom for days or even weeks. Yes!!!

Initiate sex less often

I may buy the ladies drinks... and plenty of them. I will say things that are enticingly charming but not mean a word of it. However, I will not initiate the sex act. But let's face it, the words "initiate" and "sex act" are somewhat open to interpretation and that's a gray area only a court of law can define. I'm not on trial here, goddammit!

But for the record, masturbation doesn’t count as “initiating sex”. Neither does looking at free Internet porn. I just wanted to make that clear now, so nobody can come up to me later and claim I broke this resolution.

Stop dating flaky women

With God as my witness, I will stop dating flaky women. I might as well rename this resolution join a monastery and take a vow of celibacy because, you know, we are talking about women here.

Luckily, there’s a built-in loophole with this one.

“Dating” implies taking the woman out in public, to a restaurant or movie or some such, but if you simply pick them up at a bar when they’re drunk and just take them home with you… well, that’d be o.k.

As long as you don’t call them the next day or “make plans”.

Usually, if she's really drunk she'll initiate the sex too -- so I can still avoid that. In the morning, as an added bonus, when she doesn't remember what happened I can tell her how she wantonly seduced me in a sloppily drunken sexual frenzy the night before. Then I doubt she'll even want me to call. Sweet!

Save money

See previous resolution. Also, I resolve to stop blowing my money on bad porn and questionable investment schemes. God, I'm going to save a lot of money. Sad but true!

Spend less time with friends and family

Friends are overrated and most of my family lives too far away to make a visit practical. This one is a slam-dunk.

Don’t take a trip

I hate flying and am not too keen on driving either. In fact, stepping out my front door is often a hassle. I think I’ll stay inside for 2006 and silently stew in my own bitter juices instead. That sounds much more productive than going to places I really didn’t want to visit in the first place. This also helps me to avoid friends and family, killing two resolved birds with one stone.

Be more of a jackass

Some reading this may argue that it isn’t humanly possible for me to be more of a jackass. I beg to differ. Every so often I have a weak moment and do something kind for somebody else. That’ll stop in the coming year.

posted by Pete 7:05 AM
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