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Thursday, July 21, 2005

The last message you ever want to hear on your answering machine:

“You gave me herpes, fucker!”

But that’s the message she left, which caught me by surprise considering I had been tested for a whole host of sundry diseases (sexual and non-) just nine short months earlier when I was getting leg cramps and feeling exhausted. I was negative on all STDs then and wondered what I had stuck where in the interim.

I knew she had had a yeast infection a couple of weeks earlier, but she swore up and down this was herpes and knew it to be true after doing research on the Internet.

I had my suspicions about her self-diagnosis methods but, just to be safe, went to a medical doctor anyway. After doing an intake, I sat pensively in the waiting room.

While waiting, this incredibly hot chick began talking to me. She seemed increasingly interested in what I might be about and, eventually, suggested we might want to go for a drink later. I briefly considered her offer, but quickly thought better of it.

I figured an STD testing clinic probably wasn’t the best place to pick up a chick. I mean she looked clean enough and all -- but who can tell these days?

In any case, I was soon called in to see the doctor.

When I told the doctor the story of what brought me there, and the onset and symptoms the girl I had been seeing described having, it was his medical opinion that she had a really bad yeast infection. He'd been a doctor for like 23 years. He went to medical school for his degree - it wasn't a "degree" he downloaded off the Internet.

I thought he just might know what he was talking about.

He suggested she might seriously want to consider going to a doctor and getting medication prescribed to clear it up.

He asked if I had ever had “gay sex”. I told him the truth - I hadn’t.

He followed with, “You’ve never even had gay sex when you were on a tit tear?”

Again I told him “No”, and wondered what the hell a “tit tear” might be.

Then he began a series of exams and procedures on me.

First he took a long cotton swab and tickled my tonsils with it. I asked him what that was done for, and he replied they tested for oral STDs if (and I quote) "your mouth has ever been on a pussy or dick."

I'm guessing he's one of those doctors who likes to put things in layman's terms because some people can get mighty confused by medical terms like "vagina" or "penis".

He told me to “drop my drawers” down to my ankles and lay down on the examination table.

This was the point at which he started incessantly humming Take Me Out to the Ballgame, which he continued doing whenever he wasn’t talking.

He ran a forefinger down my thigh and said, “Feel that? That’s what this is going to feel like.” He then produced a long metal rod that was inserted into, and rooted around, inside my penis. (In layman’s terms, that would be my dick.)

After pulling it out and doing some medical trickery with whatever was scraped from inside me, he then approached with an industrial-sized Q-tip.

He grasped my dick and slowly began jerking it up and down. I wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be part of the actual exam or something else entirely. Quite frankly, I was afraid to ask.

He never demonstrated how the Q-tip would feel going in, but then I’m guessing he didn’t have a pocketknife to plunge into my leg, and rip down the length of my thigh, at the time.

We soon moved on to drawing a blood sample. Unfortunately, I have no veins to speak of. He tried one arm. No luck. I was soon tied off on both my right arm and leg and he tried again. I was still running dry. He attempted with the other arm. Twice. He got nothing. He finally got a sample from the arm he had originally stuck by going in through my forearm right past the elbow.

By the time I left his office I looked like some kind of junkie.

Before I went he said something or other about condoms, but I didn’t quite catch what he said so just answered, “Yes.”

He pointed to the top drawer on the examination table and said, “Look in there.”

I assume he asked me if I wanted free condoms because that’s what I found. I took a handful just in case I ever wanted to have sex again. I figured I might have a desire to do so if and when my recently traumatized dick ever stopped hurting.

My tests came back negative and somebody apparently still might have a yeast infection – although she says it’s now healing.

I guess this was my sexual penance.

I’ve since apologized and promised to never do it again.

And I also learned an important lesson. So there you go.


posted by Pete 5:00 AM
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