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Monday, May 23, 2005
[[ RANDOM BITS 15 ]]

more misadventures and observations...

[]

Whatever happened to Hootie and the Blowfish? I miss them. Nobody made crappy music quite like Hootie and the boys. I hope they have a new album coming out soon.

If not, I’d settle for Huey Lewis and the News.

-

I enjoy going to a restaurant and, after ordering, going to the restroom – only to find my dinner has mysteriously appeared on the table while I was taking a crap.

It’s magical.

-

I’ve had three different women ask me the same question in the past week. None of them know each other, so I don’t know where this is coming from.

The question was, “Have you ever paid for a prostitute?”

Now I don’t mind that the first two asked, but considering the third is a prostitute I thought asking such a question was in rather poor taste. It also killed the mood.

-

I wish somebody would invent a car that runs on oatmeal instead of gasoline. That way, if your car ever breaks down in the middle of nowhere at least you won’t starve to death before you’re rescued. Also, if somebody poured sugar into your gas tank that would be a good thing.

-

This is the part where I include random words and phrases so my weblog inadvertently pops up when people are using search engines looking for something completely unrelated:

man boobs

funny cabbage pictures

severe caning

love stuff fandango

mollycoddling Nixon

infant neck braces

a can of sardines and box of crackers

illegal immigrants love swiss cheese

toying with the mentally ill

thetearsofthings

magic magnets

That should be enough to bring them to this blog in droves. Nothing like a little Internet hi-jinks to break up my day.

-

I stopped at the store with this girl I seem to be dating. I needed to buy a pack of cigarettes. While waiting in line, she said she’d be right back – that there was something she had to get.

She returned with her purchase – a bottle of KY ultra gel lubricant. Once at the register she also bought a pack of cigarettes. I can’t imagine what the cashier thought, but maybe they see this kind of thing all the time and it was no big deal.

On the way out, The Girl I Seem to be Dating told me she bought what she did because she likes to see me look “slightly uncomfortable.”

And I would’ve taken her comment at face value except for the fact she was shaking her ass all the way home.

That really made me wonder.

-

I threw my back out over the weekend. I’d like to say it happened while making wild monkey love but the truth is far more mundane.

I needed to put my shoes on and apparently sat down a little too forcibly. The next thing I heard was this god-awful crunch in my lower back.

I feel so incredibly old at the moment.

I thought about putting some mineral ice on my injury, but didn’t want to walk around smelling of that old man smell.

I mentioned this fact to two different friends, and they both replied with, “But Pete, you already have that old man smell!”

Damn kids.

-

I tuned in morning radio the other day, and there was this segment where listeners call in live on-air traffic reports.

“There’s been an accident at Main and First Street, traffic is really slow right now.”

or

“The freeway exit at Camelback Road is closed, you might want to steer clear.”

I’ve been thinking about calling in a report myself:

“There’s a pack of wild dogs running loose at the intersection of 7th Avenue and McDowell. Cars are at a stand still. Oh my god, they’ve just attacked and devoured a small child! If anybody has a gun and is in the vicinity, get here pronto.”

I’d do it except for the fact I’d upset both the dog lovers and people who are against eating small children. Those are two groups you never want to piss off.

-

When hanging out with a platonic virginal female friend and she’s been drinking, if she ever says, “Can I ask you a question?” the correct answer would be “No.”

If you say, “Yes”, the question might very well turn out to be, “If I wanted you to fuck me, would you?”

How the hell do you answer that? Answer it tactfully, I mean.

Maybe the lesson to be learned here is to watch yourself when hanging out with drunken virgins.

Unless you’re descended from Aztecs, of course – then that’s a completely different story.

[]

posted by Pete 7:27 PM
Comments:
I'm descended from the Aztecs.

I happen to be female, which may or may not alter the situation.
 
Don`t keep us in suspense Pete... What happened with the KY jelly ??
 
According to my notes, the appropriate response is "yes, yes I would."
 
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