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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Online Diary of a Cat


I don’t know if my mother is alive or dead or what happened to my brothers and sisters. One day I was suckling at her nipple and, before I realized what was happening, I was ripped away and found myself alone here with these humans.

I suffer from separation anxiety and have abandonment issues. I’m trying to work through these problems as best I can.


I hate when they pet me but sometimes they seem so lonely and starved for affection I let them do it anyway. I fake contentment by making this purring noise. I can’t believe they buy it.


If that neighbor kid comes over to visit one more time and starts pulling my tail again, I’m gonna fuck him up. Mark my words.

Let’s see how tough that punk is after I scratch his eyes out.


I’ve learned how to open most doors inside the house by slipping my paw under it and jiggling real hard. Sometimes, however, it doesn’t work. I think it has something to do with knobs and locks but I haven’t quite figured it out. All I need is patience and a little more time. Soon the house will be mine!


Sometimes I feel the need to run. God help anybody or anything that gets in my way. I’m not headed anywhere in particular, I’m just letting off steam. I’m a cat. It’s what I do. Don’t try to understand it. I don’t fully understand it myself. Learn to accept it. I have.


They brought home a puppy. Those traitorous bastards.


Oh the fun I’ve been having with the puppy when the humans are away! He’s slow and not too bright. At first I thought they got him to spite me but now realize they did it because, quite frankly, plastic balls with bells inside just weren’t cutting it anymore. It only took them like forever to figure that out.

Sometimes I’ll corner him in the kitchen, raise the fur on my back and make the most god-awful racket until he pees on the floor. It usually doesn’t take very long. Shame is a powerful motivator so, in most cases, he’s still cowering behind the living room couch when the humans get home. They start yelling and carrying on, all the while I sit in a nearby chair -- laughing inside.

Every once in a while, if the puppy is sleeping somewhere and I hear the humans coming in the door, I’ll scamper into the kitchen and pee on the floor myself. Guess who gets blamed? Not me! I’m sitting in the litter box by that time.

I’m sure it’s humiliating enough to have your nose rubbed in your own urine, but I can’t imagine what’s going through the puppy’s head when they rub his nose in the puddle I just made.


For a while there, it was like I was out on control. All I could think about was the female Siamese I’d sometimes see through the kitchen window as she walked by outside. Then I started spraying uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed and yet I couldn’t help myself.

The humans put me in a box, took me for a ride, then this other human in a white coat forced me to breath this funny smelling gas through a mask.

When I woke up I was at home again, feeling groggy, and damn if my balls didn’t itch. I went to lick them and was horrified to discover…

…I’m sorry. It’s just too painful to finish the story. Maybe later.


I don’t do tricks. It’s not that I can’t be taught - because I can be. It’s just that I don’t give a shit and have better things to do with my time.

Teach the dog - he’s one of those people pleaser-types and will do most anything for a milk bone. What a whore!


I have claws and, quite honestly, I always did think that overstuffed chair was ugly. You figure it out.


I don’t know what those humans were doing in that room last night, because I couldn’t jiggle the door open, but they sounded like two cats in heat. Things are back to normal this morning so, whatever it was, I guess they fixed the problem.


That puppy is yap-yap-yapping again. Nobody knows what the hell he wants. Not the humans and certainly not me.


Goldfish are quite tasty. That’s all I’ll say about that. The humans looked so confused when they noticed the empty fishbowl. I think they suspect me but haven’t said anything yet. Maybe I’m just being paranoid?


Early in the morning when the sunlight is streaming through the living room window, I’ll lay in the bright patch. I’ll lay on my back, legs outstretched, leaving my belly exposed.

It makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.

I only do this when everybody is still asleep. God, if they only knew!


Sometimes one of the humans will put a leash on the puppy, and he’ll get so excited! After being tightly secured, he gets to go outside.

Once one of them tried putting a leash on me. I wasn’t having any part of it. Finally, she gave up. I don’t need a leash to get out that front door. A moment of distraction is all it will take. I’m bidding my time.


Why am I expected to bury my shit in the litter box, when the puppy gets to go outside and dump anywhere he damn well pleases? On the front lawn, the sidewalk, or even in the neighbor’s yard - I’ve watched through the front window.

I’m not stupid. I know what’s going on here. They’re playing favorites.

That puppy will pay. Nobody will ever know.


I’m the one who took the sponge that was by the kitchen sink. Good thing nobody looks under the bed. The humans had to get another sponge. I saw it by the sink not more than ten minutes ago. Do I dare? Or would that be pushing it?


They think when I meow it means I’m hungry. Sometimes I do it just to mess with them. I love seeing the look on their faces when they rush to the kitchen, get out the bag of cat food, and go to fill my bowl… and guess what? It’s already full! No matter how many times I pull that one it never ceases to amuse me.

Who owns who now, motherfuckers?


I got quite the scare today. I couldn’t catch my breath and I started choking. But that’s not the worse part. No, that followed a few seconds later when I coughed up the most awful mass of hair and who knows what else.
Is it too much to ask that you invest in a good brush and run it through my coat every once in a while, people?

I really don’t need this, you know.


I found where they hide the box of catnip! I am so fucked up right now. I have this urge to chase my own tail but I’m trying to resist it. The puppy is looking at me funny. I think he may see his chance. Time to get on the kitchen table again, until this wears off.

Hind legs, don’t fail me now!


That commercial is playing on TV again. I think it’s for some kind of cat food. The poor cat is singing, “meow-meow-meow-meow, meow-meow-meow-meow” over and over again, then the human announcer does some kind of voice-over.

Obviously the humans who made that commercial never figured out what the cat was really singing. He wasn’t singing the praises of cat food, that’s for sure. Let’s just say it isn’t something you’d want to repeat in front of your mother, and leave it at that.


One of the humans is sitting at his desk. He’s filling out paperwork. I think I’ll jump right up there and sit in the middle of all the papers on his desk.

Then I’ll make my “cute face” and purr for added effect. Like what’s he gonna do?


How dirty must I be when they feel the need to grab me by the scruff of the neck and plunge me into a bathtub full of water? And don’t get me started on the scented shampoo!

And it doesn’t help when they laugh and make comments like, “Look how small he looks when he’s wet!”

Thanks for the ego-boost, people.

I’m now hiding in a closet. I’m still damp and smell like strawberries.

I guess I’ll have to kick the litter out of the box again. How many times will we have to dance this dance before they learn?


I don’t know what it is about a piece of string but, when one of the humans holds it just out of my reach and start whipping it around, I can’t help myself. I jump and try to catch it. I’ll do it over and over. I just can’t seem to stop.

I confess… string is my guilty pleasure.


I’ve been sick for days. I can’t keep any food down and I ache all over. I think I may be dying.
One down, eight to go -- if it comes to that.


posted by Pete 7:29 AM
I like this cat better than a lot of human bloggers. Rock.
This would have been more interesting if it was titled.. If a Pussy could Blog...
Cute blog. Please visit my stray cat blog. It is all about stray cat.
Hi i am totally blown away with the blogs people have created its so much fun to read alot of good info and you have also one of the best blogs !! Have some time check my link of pet services sitting.
Hey, you have a great blog here!

I have a dog supplement for strong coats site. It pretty much covers ##Custom Dog Coats## related stuff.

Tired of those knit sweaters, the ones that stretch out and have legs that your dog hates? Us too! So we came up with a coat that fits comfortably and works well! You and your dog will love these coats! We know, because we have been dog breeders for 23 years and know what dogs like.

All "Designer DoggieWear!" coats are handmade by ourselves in the United States. This assures the finest of quality and workmanship.

Come and check it out if you get time.

I'm sorry for being intrusive in to your blog. But I am Melissa and I am a mother of two that is just trying to get out of an incredible financial debt. See my hubby is away in Iraq trying to protect this great country that we live in, and I am at home with our two kids telling bill collectors please be patiant. When my husband returns from war we will beable to catch up on our payments. We have already had are 2001 Ford repossessed from the bank, and are now down to a 83 buick that is rusted from front to back and the heater don't work, and tire tax is due in November.

I'm not asking for your pitty because we got our ownselfs into this mess but we would love you and thank you in our prayers if you would just keep this link on your blog for others to view.

God Bless You.

Melissa K. W.
To see my family view this page. My Family

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Help me Dude, I'm lost.

I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw Elvis in the supermarket yesterday.

No honest really, he was right there in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new plasmatv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

But Elvis said I, In the Ghetto nobody has a plasma tv .

Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger then I'm gonna go home and ask Michael Jackson to come round and watch that waaaay cool surfing scene in Apocalypse Now on my new plasma tv .

And then he just walked out of the supermarket singing. . .

"You give me love and consolation,
You give me strength to carry on "

Strange day or what? :-)
Cute blog! Please visit my cartoon dog blog.
Rhodiola Rosea is the latest natural remedy to join the arsenal of natural anxiety and stress (coping with stress) reducers.

Rhodiola Rosea, also known as Golden Root, is a native plant of arctic Siberia. For centuries it has been used by eastern European and Asian cultures for physical endurance, work productivity, longevity, resistance to high altitude sickness, and to treat fatigue, depression, anemia, impotence, gastrointestinal ailments, infections, and nervous system disorders.

The first recorded medicinal applications of rodia riza (renamed Rhodiola Rosea) was made by the Greek physician, Dioscorides, in 77 C.E. in 'De Materia Medica'. Rhodiola Rosea has been included in official Russian medicine since 1969.

Despite its long history, the Western world has only recently become aware of the health benefits of Rhodiola Rosea. It has come to the attention of many natural health practitioners because of studies which tested its affects on combating anxiety and stress.

Rhodiola Rosea is considered an adaptogen. This means it has an overall stabilizing effect on the body without disrupting other functions. Its ability to normalize hormones may be effective for treating depression and anxiety.

Studies of Rhodiola Rosea show that it stimulates neurotransmitters and enhances their effects on the brain. This includes the ability for the brain to process serotonin which helps the body to adapt to stress.

Since adaptogens improve the body's overall ability to handle stress, it has been studied to identify it's effects on biological, chemical and physical stress.

A study was performed to test the effects of Rhodiola Rosea when stress or coping with stress is caused by intense mental work (such as final exams). Such tests concluded that using Rhodiola Rosea improved the amount and quality of work, increasing mental clarity and reducing the effects of fatigue.

The effects of Rhodiola Rosea have also been tested on stress and anxiety from both physical and emotional sources. A report by the American Botanical Council states that "Most users find that it improves their mood, energy level, and mental clarity." They also report on a study that indicated Rhodiola Rosea could increase stress tolerance while at the same time protecting the brain and heart from the physical affects of stress.

This report included details of studies which highlight the overall health benefits of Rhodiola Rosea.

The generally recommended dose is 200-600mg/day. The active properties should be a minimum 0.8 percent salidroside and 3 percent rosavin.

It is important for consumers to know that Rhodiola may be sold using other species that do not share the properties of Rhodiola Rosea, coping with stress, or at ineffective strengths for treatment. Anyone with depression or anxiety should also check with a health professional when treating these symptoms.

coping with stress
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