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Saturday, January 01, 2005
[[ STAR WARS SPOILERS ]]


With
Revenge of the Sith set for release in May 2005, rumors have been swirling about what will occur in this last installment of the Star Wars series. After carefully combing related web sites and talking to fans in-the-know, I've collected those rumors that are, in fact, true. Be warned -- these are spoilers...

The movie opens with a huge outer space battle scene. Things get blown up real good.

There is a brief nude scene involving Yoda. This is the much rumored “brief ass shot”. Equally disturbing – there are NO nude scenes involving Padmé Amidala.

Grand Moff Tarkin appears briefly, although he is billed as Not-So-Grand-Yet Moff Tarkin in Episode III.

Supreme Chancellor Palpatine gets an on-screen Extreme Make-Over - but it won’t involve plastic surgeons, dermatologists, eye surgeons, dentists, and fashion stylists. It will be instantaneous. After the movie is released, million of overweight Star Wars fans will want a Palpatine-style make over and will stop trying to get on that crappy ABC TV show.

Count Dooku announces he is gay. But he’s not really a homosexual, it’s all a Jedi Mind Trick to make his enemies uncomfortable and keep them off-guard. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Padmé has a one-night stand with a starship janitor. When she later finds out she’s pregnant and tells Anakin she doesn’t know whom the father is, he goes into a drunken rage and beats the living hell out of her. As a result she gives birth prematurely. The paternity question of the twins is a new wrinkle in the Star Wars mythos to be played out in the next “Special Edition” DVD set of the original trilogy – set for release in Summer 2005 – when the janitor character is digitally added to scenes in Episode IV. For example, during the Death Star scene when Alderaan is destroyed you’ll see the janitor mopping the floor in the background.

In one ground battle, Yoda displays his incredible abilities in battle once again, taking on over one hundred storm troopers, summoning the force in incredible displays, and deflecting more laser blasts then seems physically possible. Despite his mad Jedi-Fu skills, he eventually has to retreat.

All the good guys die – except Yoda, Obi-Wan and Bail Organa. However, rumor has it that Organa will die early on in Episode IV.

Mace Windu goes out like a punk.

In a riveting and highly emotional scene, Hayden Christensen again displays his total lack of acting skills.

Tired of his incessant nagging, R2D2 finally tells C3PO what he really thinks by letting loose with a string of expletives that would make a bounty hunter blush. However it’s a series of bleeps and whistles so the only ones who understand are C3PO -- and a handful of Star Wars fans, with too much time on their hands, who have spent it “translating” the droid language.

In one of the final scenes, as Yoda is about to be delivered to Dagobah via escape pod, he and Obi-Wan have a brief discussion about their differences of opinion on Anakin in Episode I. Obi-Wan admits Yoda’s original opinion was correct then adds, “But don’t say it.” Yoda replies with, “Say it I will. Told you so I did.”

Badly burned and maimed by the end of Episode III, Anakin now has to wear a full body suit. It has a control panel to regulate his breathing and includes a pager so he can call the Emperor to pick him up when he’s done playing at the video arcade.

With the birth of the Empire, the galaxy is plunged into years of darkness and despair. When word reaches the galaxy that George W. Bush has also been re-elected, almost half the population begins to wonder if there will ever be a new hope.

Episode III will be one of the better sequels and won’t suck as much as The Phantom Menace. However, it may be worth noting, if George Lucas took a crap and called it a Star Wars sequel it wouldn’t stink as bad as The Phantom Menace -- so there you go.

posted by Pete 5:37 PM
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