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Friday, December 10, 2004

Terrorists may seek to down aircraft by shining powerful lasers into cockpits to blind pilots during approaches, U.S. officials warned in a nationally distributed bulletin.

The memo, sent by the FBI and the Homeland Security Department, says there is evidence that terrorists have explored using lasers as weapons.

According to anonymous government sources, this is just the first of many new weapons that may be used by terrorists in the coming months. A recently leaked memo, detailing other methods of attack, is only now surfacing.

Both high- and low-tech weapons are noted, including…

Terrorist’s Bowler Hat

Made of black felt with a silk inner lining, its rim is inset with a bladed edge stainless steel ring. The bowler hat is weighed for throwing, making terrorism both fashionable and easy. It adds a personal touch to an often inhumanly impersonal act as the wearer can look into the eyes of his target at the moment the head is severed from the body by the thrown bowler hat.

Knock-out Lipstick

A new breed of female terrorist is about to hit U.S. shores and, with the male libido being what it is, there may be no stopping them. Dressed in cut-off jeans and tight t-shirts, these women will be able to infiltrate both airports and stadium rock concerts with just one kiss. Any unsuspecting security guard who falls prey to their wily terrorist ways will be unconscious within seconds, leaving the building he is supposed to be watching wide open to attack.

Suction Cup Climbing Shoes

Terrorists can simply walk up the side of a building, thus bypassing any security checkpoints inside, with suction cup climbing shoes. This also avoids having to hijack a commercial airliner in order to destroy a skyscraper, the method preferred by three out of four terrorists surveyed, which has become nothing but a big pain in the ass since 9/11.

Now, armed with an assortment of explosive devices, a group of terrorists can walk up any edifice and plant bombs. Or, with simple glass-cutting tools, enter it through windows many floors up. Both “black dress shoes” and “sneakers” designs are available so as to fit any occasion.


Due to the bold implementation of U.S. anti-terrorism measures, the number of both actual and potential terrorists worldwide has precariously dwindled. With the terrorist pool at an all-time low, the option of killing oneself in an attack just isn’t as attractive as it once was. Also, the promise of 77 virgins waiting for you in the great beyond pales in comparison to the thrill of slaughtering innocent people and living to brag about it later.

Thus, the use of the helio-coat.

It looks like a standard coat (both trench- and windbreaker styles offered) until a string is pulled, at which point pressurized canisters of helium fill balloons hidden within. The terrorist then rises up to ten feet in the air, height of ascent varying by body weight, and is carried off by the wind to wreak self-righteous havoc another day.

Vitiligo Pill

Vitiligo is a pigmentation disorder in which melanocytes (the cells that make pigment) in the skin are destroyed. As a result, white patches of skin appear on different parts of the body.

Through research, causal antibodies have been isolated and a pill has been developed which destroys melanocytes more quickly and effectively than any natural disease ever could.

Reportedly, a small supply of these pills have fallen into terrorists’ hands so those of Arabic descent will soon appear as white as any white American thus guaranteeing they will avoid suspicion or detection until it is too late.


An army of these human-looking female robots have reportedly been developed in both Iran and North Korea. Each is powered by a small amount of weapons grade uranium which, when combined with internal explosives, allows them to be a walking “dirty bomb”.

Terrorist groups have allegedly smuggled fem-bots into the U.S. just in time for the Christmas season. Dressed in traditional Middle Eastern garb, covered from head to foot, these diabolic creations will enter crowded shopping malls and the only indication one is about to self-detonate is when it speaks the phrase, “I look so janky. I wanna be fly. Which way to The Gap?”

Electro-Retrogressor Gun

One zap of this gun will turn the mind of an adult into that of a seven-year old child.

Actually inspired by the TV show Get Smart! and developed by French scientists in the early 1980s, both out of love of scientific pursuit and Jerry Lewis films, it allegedly has already been used once within U.S. borders.

While the incident has widely gone unreported, due to a media blackout, a lone terrorist managed to infiltrate Camp David during a retreat attended by President Bush and key cabinet members several years ago. All in attendance were shot with the electro-retrogressor gun. It may be worth noting that Colin Powell was not at that particular retreat.

The weapon is not one-hundred percent accurate as a small percentage of people are naturally impervious to its effects. Luckily, President Bush must be among that number as no detectable change in his mental aptitude has been seen since the attack.

A paperclip, a match, and a piece of string

With the DVD release of MacGuyer – The Complete First Season on January 25, 2005, online merchant Amazon.com has reported an unusual number of pre-sales coming from the Middle East. The Homeland Security Department is investigating this matter, as any clever terrorist will be able to use MacGuyer’s ingenuity for his own evil purposes. With the information contained in this TV series, it would take just a few seconds to fashion a paperclip, a match and a piece of string into a highly destructive weapon of mass destruction.

It is rumored those buying a copy of the DVD set within the U.S. may be added to the Terrorist Watch List, which means hundreds of thousands of additional names will be added to the two lists - one for people suspected of terrorism, the other for people the government says require additional scrutiny for some other reason – currently used at airports and on cruise ships.

Other future weapons of terrorism are listed in the memo, but the highlights are noted above. Had I reviewed everything listed it would be too overwhelming, so the less you know the better.

If we want to win this War on Terror we must stand firm and not be overwhelmed by too many facts. That’s the American way of life and if that way of life and liberty is to be preserved we must not succumb.

posted by Pete 7:13 PM
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