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Saturday, June 19, 2004
After a brief hiatus, it's the return of Pete's true-life adventures in...


= The Cat's Meow =

When I got a kitten, a friend told me about the PetSmart store. Now, obviously, I had heard about grocery stores for actual humans but didn't know they now had them for domesticated animals too.

It was a true revelation. I just had to check it out.

In PetSmart, I couldn't help but marvel at all the new-fangled cat toys now available. Beaded balls. Leather mice. Mini-skateboards. A cat Rubik's cube - "No Opposable Thumb Necessary."

Now call me old-fashioned but, in my day, cat toys were cheaper and much simpler.

A crushed beer can or crumpled pack of cigarettes was all a cat needed to have a little fun.

On my way out of PetSmart, I noticed a small display cage on a table near the entrance. It held a black kitten who looked none too pleased with the prospect of spending his days as an impulse buy.

I walked up to the kitten, who then looked up at me and said, "Meow", which, as far as I could figure, roughly translated as, "I was suckling on a nipple and the next thing I knew, I found myself being dragged off and soon had a lot of people gawking at me."

I sympathized with the kitten, having had that happen myself on more occasions that I care to mention.

"Look, pal," I told the kitten, "I feel bad and all, but there’s only so much I can do."

Then, I unlocked the cage and told him if he wanted to escape he was on his own. I couldn’t get involved. It was none of my business. Hey, I just shop here. I don’t need any trouble. Then, I backed away slowly and left him to his own devices. I did all I could do.

= It Was the One-Armed Man! =

The other day I left early for work so I could stop at the convenience store for cigarettes before catching my bus. So I get to Circle-K with plenty of time to spare only to discover there's only one cashier... A one-armed retarded guy.

He had one good arm and the other was a prosthetic with a hook on the end. Now a hook might be great if you're picking up clothes or fighting Peter Pan, but it's not so good if you're working the cash register. Plus, he was retarded.

To slow things down even further, the kids in front of me buying their daily dose of sugar and chemical preservatives were about a dollar short, so this guy starts digging in his own pocket, with his one good hand, to fish out the difference.

Once I finally got to the counter, that was the moment the one-armed retarded guy decided to look around blankly and say to nobody in particular, "Did anybody win the Powerball lottery last night? What were the numbers? Who won?"

Who won?

I'll tell you who won: Who The Fuck Cares, that's who.

This was the point when I saw my bus go by.

Now, I know what you’re saying... "But, Pete, aren't most Circle-K employees retarded?"

That very well may be, I don't rightly know… but I'll tell you this much - if they are, at least they have two good arms.

= Huge Fan =

Recently, I was down at the porn bookstore, just giving the new video releases the once over, when I noticed one of the employees eye-balling me. I kept browsing, trying not to look nervous, when, before too long, this guy walked over to me and sheepishly asked, "Are you Pete?"

Just to see where it was headed, I admitted I was, and he then said, "Oh wow! I love your work. How do you come up with those crazy stories?"

So I told him, "I don't come up with anything. Usually, they come to me. Case in point - this very moment."

He walked away, shaking his head and smiling and I continued on with my browsing.

When I finally made it up to the register with my video purchase in hand, this guy was ready to ring me up. He informed me he was the manager and added, "Pete, you're my hero!"

As if to prove his point, as he rang me up he gave me the 40% off employee discount. It warmed my heart to know all the writing had finally paid off.

So now I'm on the look-out for fans who're managers at fancy restaurants and five-star hotels. Hey, it could happen!

Finally, I leave you with a poem entitled...

= Poetry =

sometimes I’m just not in the mood

to witness poetic gymnastics

especially when

it's of the heartfelt

and depressing variety

so you got your heart broken again

so what

suck it up already

that happened like a week ago

move on. move on.


posted by Pete 10:43 AM
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