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Thursday, June 05, 2003
Since my entry on G.W. Bush (May 27 '03) my readership has dropped to about half its usual amount.

I guess some people didn't take too kindly to my comments and stopped reading right quick.

So, out of a sense of fairness, we'll now look at the Democratic presidential candidates for 2004.

My goal, of course, is to offend the OTHER half of my readership, thus reducing the number of hits per day on this blog to a big fat ZERO.

Needless to say... Enjoy.

[ RUNNING ON EMPTY? ]

Many Democrats are running, but who will finish the race? And how many of them strike one as being "Presidential"?

Let's take a look...

HOWARD DEAN (former governor, Vermont)

I've got three words for Dean supporters.

Dukakis.

Mondale.

McGovern.

Sure, there's a slight chance Dean will get the nomination - after all, the Democratic Party faithful eat this far left shit up like most people eat Wheaties for breakfast - but he'd get murderized in a general election.

It'd make the Nixon-McGovern race look like a close call by comparison.

JOHN EDWARDS (U.S. Senator, North Carolina)

John Edwards has a secret plan. He wants to introduce legislation to give the dead the right to vote. Why? Because John Edwards can talk to the dead, and they consistently tell him two things:

1. We're all lifelong Democrats, and dying hasn't changed that.

2. We're all gonna vote for you, John.

So Edwards knows the election is his, if he can just get the "Dead Vote". Oh wait... Wrong John Edward(s). My bad.

RICHARD GEPHARDT (U.S. House, Missouri)

The last time Gephardt ran for president, he had the support of Labor. That was a big plus.

But that was like decades ago. Things change.

Now such support may be viewed as a liability in the eyes of Middle America.

Also, the unions just don't enjoy the power they once had. It used to be, if you crossed them you'd get your legs broken.

Now you pretty much get off with a stern warning.

So, I guess the question is: Can a man be elected president by "stern warning" alone?

That said, Gephardt may be the Dems' last best chance at recapturing the White House in '04. He's "worldly" and politically savvy.

Also, he knows the names of other world leaders. Not that that's a prerequisite to becoming president any longer, but it is something.

He supported the "War in Iraq", which translates (according to my "Political Punditry to English" Dictionary) as "Anti-Terrorism."

If you were Anti-War that translates to "Un-American", which also means your name is probably either Howard Dean or Carol Moseley Braun.

Uh-oh.

Of course, it may as simple as Americans being tired of Bush after four years and will want a little Dick for a change. Who can say?

BOB GRAHAM (U.S. Senator, Florida)

What about Bob? Bob probably says it best when it comes to All That Is Bob.

From a Bob Graham press release (3 May '03):

"Bob Graham Displays Maturity, Expertise and Experience in SC Debate...

...In a lively debate here tonight, U.S. Senator Bob Graham displayed the expertise and experience worthy of the next President of the United States, when he answered a series of questions from his opponents and laid down a marker declaring he comes from "the electable wing of the Democratic Party"...

...Graham was clearly the statesman in the room who the others looked to for insight and Americans will support for the same leadership."

Methinks Bob has a tendency to lay it on a little thick.

He's the consummate Politician's politician.

That's not going to help him.

For some reason, the word "oily" comes to mind. Maybe Graham was a used car salesman in a previous life. I really couldn't say.

Plus, he's from Florida. That state has left a bad taste in voters' mouths ever since the 2000 election. Bad news for Bob.

JOHN KERRY (U.S. Senator, Massachusetts)

Kerry has called for a "new era of service in America", recently unveiling a plan to engage more than one million Americans a year in national service, as part of his campaign.

It includes getting high school students to do community service as a graduation requirement, college tuition in exchange for service, the '100,000 Older Americans in Service' program, and a "rebirth" of the Peace Corps.

It's all about the service, stupid!

Yeah, that's a good way to electrify the electorate.

Get them to do stuff they aren't all that interested in doing in the first place. For free, no less.

Why not promise to raise taxes while you're at it, Kerry?

Obviously, whoever said the Democrats are out of touch with the American public was a complete idiot.

Ok, maybe not.

DENNIS KUCINICH (U.S. House, Ohio)

Hey, Dennis... Howard Dean called.

He wants his campaign rhetoric back.

JOE LIEBERMAN (U.S. Senator, Connecticut)

Well, I had a long entry prepared on Lieberman, but it was full of sex and violence so I had better just say...

C E N S O R E D

...and leave it at that.

CAROL MOSELEY BRAUN (Former U.S. Senator, Illinois)

She's a black woman running as a major party candidate for president.

That's gonna hurt her.

Who would've thunk? Ain't America grand?

I remember when Jesse Jackson ran in the 1980s, and when he started winning primaries most of the big weekly news magazines ran headlines like, "What Does Jesse Want?"

Gee, maybe to be president?

Things may've changed in the last twenty years, but they haven't changed that much. Sure, Moseley-Braun won't have to ride in the back of her campaign bus, but neither does she have a snowball's chance in hell of getting nominated.

No matter how good she may be.

I don't agree with the sentiment, but that's just the way it is.

Yup, ain't America grand?

A cornerstone of her campaign is "investing in children" and their future. She's very pro-children, unlike the other candidates who, I guess, hate children?

REV. AL SHARPTON (Civil Rights Leader)

Recently, a member of his staff informed Sharpton that he is, in fact, running for president.

Reportedly, Sharpton replied, "President of what?" then grumbled about always being the last to know about these things.

So, he went out campaigning. This more or less consisted of standing on a street corner and railing against The Unfair Treatment of Blacks at the Hands of the Rich White Man.

When the TV news crews didn't show up, having already seen this particular episode of "Sharpton Unplugged", he, instead, kissed a few babies and went home.

While at home, he ranted about The Unfair Treatment of Blacks at the Hands of the Rich White Man until dinner was ready.

At which point, he said, "Somebody was cooking dinner? Why am I always the last one to know about these things?"
-

So let's recap, shall we? We have Lieberman, Moseley Braun and Sharpton - who are Jewish, a woman, and black, respectively.

Attention, race fans - we've just hit the winning "Unelectable Trifecta".

Again, I'm not saying I LIKE it... just that that's the way it is in America today.

Then there's Dean and Dean-Lite (aka Kucinich). Like that's gonna happen.

There's Bob Graham, about whom I couldn't say anything that Graham himself couldn't say better and with more false conviction.

And let's not forget Kerry and his "Wake Me Up When It's All Over" campaign. Yawn.

Which leaves us with Edwards and Gephardt.

Flip a coin, people.

No, the best chance the Democrats have in '04 isn't any particular candidate, but how poorly the economy is doing by Election Day. Americans have notoriously short memories and will, by that time, be saying, "What War with Iraq?" and "Middle East Peace Plan? The Middle East of where?"

As some hillbilly once said, "It's the economy, stupid."

Or perhaps President Bush said it best, back in Oct.'02, when he stated, "Let me tell you my thoughts about tax relief. When your economy is kind of ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money."

Word!

It's too bad Gary Hart decided not to run. He realistically could've ended up being the nominee.

Instead, he's allegedly banging some chick while his wife is at a rotary club meeting.

See, now THAT'S Presidential!

posted by Pete 12:44 AM
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