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Thursday, May 08, 2003
[ WELL, SPANK MY MONKEY... IS IT "MASTURBATION MONTH" ALREADY? ]

From the "Is a Holiday REALLY Needed for THIS?!?" department...

In a stroke of genius, May has been declared 'Masturbation Month' by a whole handful of apparently sexually frustrated folks.

Well, whack myself with a big stick and paint me horny!

Yes, in case you were wondering, I *am* going to work in as many self-love sexual innuendos as humanly possible.

Why? For much the same reason people masturbate in the first place.

Because I can.

On May 3rd, more than 100 men and women gathered in San Francisco for what organizers said was the city's second annual public "Masturbate-a-Thon." The event was a fund-raiser for the local Center for Sex and Culture, a non-profit organization that provides sex education. Close to $1200 was raised. So to speak.

While that particular event is pretty much spent, don't worry - there's plenty more where that came from.

On Sunday, May 18th - because Sundays aren't just for resting anymore - the Oakland CA-based business Toys in Babeland will be sponsoring an event to raise funds for the Audre Lorde Project and the People of Color Against AIDS Network, two projects supporting HIV prevention, safe sex outreach and sex positive health care.

Yes, most of these events are for a good cause. Beyond that of self-gratification, I mean.

As with some of these Masturbate-A-Thons, participants need sponsors in order to raise funds.

Some items to note, to make sure one pulls this thing off successfully because - as we all well know - if you don't it'll only led to disappointment and, eventually, self-hatred...

"* Get your friends to sign the sponsorship form and sponsor you for every minute you masturbate on May 18th.

* On Sunday, May 18 treat yourself to a day of self-love. How you do it is up to you - it's all on the honors system. Take note of how much time you spent masturbating and write it down on this form.

* Tally up how much your friends owe you based on your pledges and collect the donations."

Obviously, before collecting those donations, wash your hands thoroughly. Please.

The nifty sponsorship form has columns for "Name of Sponsor" (it doesn't say if using the name "Anonymous" is acceptable, for those who're a little nervous about having their ACTUAL real name recorded), "Dollars Per Minutes Pledged", and "Number of Minutes", so as to avoid any sticky situations later.

Another adult shoppe, 'Come As You Are' in Toronto ON, is hosting a day of solo sex on May 24, to raise funds for Voices of Positive Women - a community based, member driven agency which provides free and confidential support and advocacy to HIV positive women.

According to its website, "The event will be held on the honour system and you decide how long you want to masturbate in the privacy of your own home. The top fundraisers in each category will win some wonderful prizes."

It doesn't say what first prize is, but my suggestion would be this: an actual living sex partner, so the winner can - ahem! - stop talking to the hand.

This month of frenzied, yet pleasurable, activity can be satisfactorily concluded with a Portland OR-based event, which has been sub-titled a "hand orgy".

No, I'm not making that phrase up.

Admittance cost to this RSVP-only night is on a - gulp! - sliding scale, and the evening will include "fun masturbation games" and, for those who work up a powerful hunger, a "potluck and full kitchen."

Yes, don't forget people - you must keep up your strength.

And, for god's sake, pace yourselves.

For the sexually repressed who don't wish to participate, but still want to show their - ahh! - support, you can simply donate to the "CamLives Celebrity Masturbate-A-Thon". All monies go to the Feminist Women's Health Center. However, before you go beating a path to the nearest search engine to find these brave gals, please note: It's not an "on-cam" thing.

Awww, where's the fun in that?

Of the four contestants listed, poor pink-haired and pierced Ellen has only raised a paltry $42 as of this writing. So get your freak on, people. Show her some lovin'. Hell, she's a cutie. I'd do her. If she weren't so busy getting her hand "caught in the cookie jar" and all.

Yes, it's about fuckin' time we stopped being "the master of our domain." If anything proves that, it's a recent article from 'New Scientist', published 02 May '03, which reads in part...

"A horrific venereal disease is preying on baboons in eastern Africa. An estimated 200 animals have been infected and scientists are scrambling to identify the mystery microbe that is attacking them.

The disease targets the reproductive organs of the primate. The consequences for male baboons are particularly gruesome, says Elibariki Mtui, of the African Wildlife Foundation in Arusha, Tanzania. "The genitals kind of rot away, then they just drop off," he told New Scientist." (end quote)

When I saw that, I couldn't help but think of a BBC article (01 Feb.'99) about the origin of AIDS, which read in part...

"The origin of the main HIV virus that causes Aids in humans has been discovered by an international team of scientists.

A chimpanzee named Marilyn enabled them to confirm that the Aids virus first passed into people from a particular sub-species of chimp in the Central African rainforest.

Infected chimps do not develop Aids and it may now be possible to learn why. This would greatly help efforts to prevent and treat the disease in humans.

Human infection occurred in the first half of the century as a result of people hunting and eating the chimps, the scientists believe. This practice continues today.

The team said that genetic tests show the main human virus, HIV-1, is closely related to a virus that infects chimps but does not make them sick." (end quote)

Lord knows I don't want MY penis to rot and drop off in a few years, just because some baboon can't keep it in his pants today.

So, that's why I'm supporting this annual self-love event. That, and the fact that I only masturbate once a year on average anyway.

I swear.

Also, I'm doing it because, hey, I'm a Blogger. Since much of the blogosphere is more or less about masturbation anyway - of the mental variety at least - I'm sure this month-long event will find much support among my contemporaries.

Now I must be going. For some reason my eyesight is failing, and I must shave my palms before going completely blind.

Thank you. (No, thank YOU, Pete!)

posted by Pete 3:27 AM
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