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Monday, May 12, 2003
Some recent true stories, and observations, in a continuation of The Saga of Pete. If you've read the first six installments of this regular feature, then behold...

[ RANDOM BITS SE7EN ]

= Passerby =

I was headed east down the sidewalk, alongside a large building to my right.

A smartly dressed woman rounded the corner of the building and, as she did, a rather unkempt homeless-looking man on the street corner took two steps toward her.

He still had about ten feet to go before reaching her, but she stopped him dead in his tracks when she snapped, "Don't you be approaching me, or I'll cut your ass!"

A moment later, she had rounded that corner and was going west.

She was now walking in my direction.

I was headed toward her.

We were approaching each other.

"Oh, shit!" I thought. I stopped dead in my tracks.

I took a few steps back and, waving my hands back and forth in front of me, loudly said, "I'm not approaching you! I'm not approaching you! Please don't cut MY ass!"

She looked up at me, while still coming toward my rapidly retreating form, and mumbled, "Ahh.. No, no..."

"I don't want no ass-cutting, lady. Leave my ass be," I said.

"I didn't mean... uhhh..." she added.

She quickly walked past me.

Evidently, she was no longer in an ass-cutting mood.

Wotta Beyatch.
-

= Coffee Cup Philosophy =

I bought myself a cup of coffee this morning.

Printed on the side of the Styrofoam cup was the phrase:

"WHEN I AM EMPTY PLEASE DISPOSE OF ME PROPERLY"

Some days, I know exactly how that cup feels.
-

= Ninety-Nine Cents, More or Less =

It used to be, when you bought the 99-cent "Hot & Spicy McChicken"(tm) Sandwich at McDonald's, it came with a slice of tomato.

Then, it no longer came with tomato but you could request that a slice be added. There was no extra cost.

As of a few weeks ago, McD's started charging an additional 15-cents for tomato.

As it so happened, this last time I ordered a McChicken with tomato, I also wanted a "Big 'N Tasty"(tm) hamburger that I special-ordered with 'no ketchup.'

When I found out they were charging me $1.14 for the 99-cent McChicken, due to tomato, I asked if I'd then be getting the special-ordered "Big 'N Tasty"(tm) for only 84-cents, since I wanted it without ketchup.

"No," the McAutomaton behind the register grimaced, "because tomato is different than ketchup."

And ketchup is made out of WHAT, exactly???

You'd think not only would I get the discount, but also I'd get a bigger discount since there's an additional cost to process tomatoes into ketchup.

Not to mention the cost of putting that "different than tomato"-type ketchup into those tiny plastic packages.

Damn greedy clowns.
-

= The Games Boys & Girls Play =

Sometimes, in the dating game, boys and girls play games with each other.

And not a good kind of game, I might add.

Metaphorically speaking, in these instances, girls excel at chess while boys have mastered checkers.

Suffice to say, it's no contest.
-

= Burning Heart =

My friend, The Artist Known As Jake Martinez, started taking Dexatrim a week ago to lose some weight.

The other night, when we were getting ready to go out for some coffee, he had a headache so popped a couple of aspirin.

Soon thereafter, outside the local coffee house we began to drink our respective cups of "caffeinated courage."

Then, The Artist Known As Jake Martinez threw his arms straight out and put his head down on the table.

He sprang to his feet, mumbled something like, "Blahblah emergency blah", and began sprinting across the street to the nearby fire station.

After about ten minutes, he sheepishly returned.

He said he had gone into the station and asked to be checked out, thinking he had inadvertently taken a lethal dexatrim-aspirin-caffeine combination and had induced a heart attack.

They had told him, "We're not a hospital. This is a fire station. We can't help you. But you should be fine."

Upon hearing this, I then told him, "I guess you should've lit yourself on fire. Then they would've had to have helped you."
-

= Dateline: Poison =

After much deep thought, I've come to this conclusion:

"All Women Are Poison."

At least to me.

And I have yet to discover the antidote.

I'm beginning to think I need to fire the various and sundry "girlie cast" in my life.

I need to hire some fresh female faces - local talent only! - for a whole new show.

This current show of mine, it just ain't working.
-

= To Smoke or Not to Smoke, That is the Question =

When you start getting "winded" when walking across the room to answer the telephone, that might be a sign that, yes, it's time to quit smoking.

Lately, some of my friends who used to smoke, but later quit, have been trying to get me to join the "Non-Smoking" Team.

The other day, I saw my neighbor out on the apartment balcony. She was smoking a cigarette. It was a 'Lucky Strike', for any tobacco company marketing-types keeping score at home.

"What're you doing?" I asked her.

"I'm smoking," she gravelly answered in her unnaturally low smoker's voice.

Then, as if to accent the point, she raised the cigarette to the small hole in her throat and took a long drag.

Soon, the smoke slowly billowed chimney-like out of that hole in her throat. It lazily floated up past her chin and along either side of her face.

She smiled a big yellow-toothed grin.

I would like to quit outright but, it would appear, I'm in the death-grip of a nicotine buzz kill.

So, the next day, I switched from "Full-Flavor" to "Light" cigarettes.

No need to go overboard, I thought.

Before too long, I soon realized that - in order to get the fullest flavor possible from these "Lights" - I was smoking twice as many cigarettes per day than I had been before the switch.

And I was still running on empty.

Maybe I had *cough cough* better rethink this whole *hack hack* plan. I think I need *cough cough* help.

[]

posted by Pete 7:17 AM
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