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Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Lately, when extremely bored, I've been using the 'Google Fight!' site @ http://www.google-fight.com/

The basic premise: You enter two opposite keywords (such as "black" and "white") and, via a google search, the site determines a winner by total number of search results.

So, for example, when I entered "pit bull" and "poodle", I came to find out that the poodle was a lot tougher than it looked. It was all over that pit bull, winning with "350,000 Results" versus "270,000 Results".

Of course, I then had to ask the fight question most everybody has wondered about, at one time or another, since the middle of the twentieth century...

"If Jesus and Superman got in a fight, who would win?"

DING! DING! DING! goes the bell.

"And the winner, by unanimous decision, is..."

Jesus (with 986,000 Results)

Yes, Superman lost with only 369,000 Results.

The fight was pretty close for a while there. In the early rounds, the yellow lights in the arena gave Superman an edge. However, in round five, Jesus pulled some of that Savior-Fu on the Man of Steel, and... That's all she wrote! Good night, Irene!

The fight headline?


Reportedly, Supes is recuperating at an undisclosed farm located in Kansas. He spends a lot of time talking on the phone with Gerry Cooney, asking, "What the hell happened?"

Gerry answers, "If I had a dollar for every time I asked myself that question, I wouldn't be working at a hardware store today."

Meanwhile, according to tabloid reports, Jesus has been partying it up with Mike Tyson.

Tyson allegedly gets way drunk and beats the living crap out of any bar patrons that've annoyed him. Luckily, his new pal, Jesus, is there to heal the fatally injured.

After the bar closes, they go back to Tyson's place, where he starts up with the begging of, "See that water cooler over there? Come on, Jesus, I just know you can turn it into a wine cooler! Let's party like it's the Second Coming, dude!"

Jesus turns the other cheek, at which point Tyson says, "You know what you need on that cheek? A tattoo like mine!"

Jesus mumbles something about tattoos being against Biblical law and, if He Himself got one, how the universe would pretty much blink out of existence.

"Look up Leviticus 19:28," He says, "'Do not lacerate your bodies for the dead, and do not tattoo yourselves. I am the Lord.'"

That usually sobers Tyson right up.

My next google-fight was the "Chicken Versus Egg", to determine "Which Came First?" bragging rights once and for all.

Before the fight, the Chicken appeared cocksure. She strutted around the ring, trash-talking the egg.

"I'm gonna cluck you up, pal!" and so forth.

The egg said nothing. It sat atop a shot glass, exhibiting a quiet strength. It only wanted to throw off the yoke of oppression the chicken has held it under for many years.

The bell rang. The chicken flew into a fury.

The egg got scrambled.

Chicken (6,960,000 Results)

Egg (2,910,000)

But the Chicken's victory was short-lived. The fight had worked up a powerful hunger in the crowd.

The next thing you knew, somebody had cut the chicken's head off. It then tried to run.

It didn't get far before its corpse was caught, plucked, quartered, deep fried, and eaten.

The moral of this fight? The chicken might've come first, but the egg got the last laugh.

Next on the bill?

The Dixie Chicks Vs. War Supporters

After recent anti-war sentiment expressed by the "sassy chick" in the Dixie Chicks, pro-war supporters have been up in arms.

So, I figured, let 'em duke it out.

The War Supporters won: 885,000 Results to 348,000.

But, then, I guess I didn't need google-fight to determine that one. Plummeting record sales already proved that the "sassy chick" had gotten a bit too sassy this time.

On a related note, the "Michael Moore Vs. Common Sense" fight was canceled, due to Moore having a previous engagement. Another "Public Haranguing of the fictitious President Bush" event had been scheduled for that same evening.

But who needs a google-fight? Anybody who saw Moore on the 2003 Oscars broadcast already knows his mouth will win over his common sense every time.

Another Title Fight: Alcoholism Versus Sobriety

This one was no contest. Alcoholism (with 761,000 Results) beat Sobriety (211,000) into hopeless submission.

By the end of the fight, Sobriety was weaving to and fro, talking gibberish and, finally, passed out.

Alcoholism declared itself, "Ten Feet Tall and the Best Fighter in the World!"

A sobering thought, indeed.

It was a dark day at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings worldwide after the fight, believe you me.

These results are something we should all think about. One day at a time.

For the lovers of "Conceptual Humor Fights", I put "Either Versus Or" on the card.

Personally, I didn't care who won.

Either/Or, people.

Yes, since time immorial, either/or have been as close as two words can get without contraction.

But that was all going to end tonight.

Or whooped Either - 530,000,000 to 42,200,000!

And, finally...

Since my web log is called "The World According to Pete", I thought I'd see how I'd fare against The World.

The World kicked my ass. Again.

This time on google-fight, with results of 153,000,000 versus my paltry 227,000.

But I won't despair. And I won't give up.

So, what am I going to do tonight? The same thing I do every night, Pinky.



posted by Pete 1:50 AM
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