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Thursday, March 20, 2003
Here's the text of a purported "secret letter" from Saddam Hussein, sent to George W. Bush just days prior to the world premiere of CNN's epic miniseries "War in Iraq". . .


"Dear Georgie,

Sorry I haven't written in a while. Things have been kind of hectic here in Iraq.

I tried phoning a couple of times, but you wouldn't take my calls. Are you mad at me or something?

I really don't understand why you're so upset with me. The only people I've killed have been my own. It is, as they say, an "internal matter" and really none of your business. As I see it, they re-elected me - it was a landslide, by the way - so, obviously, my people had no complaints about the way I've been running things here. Heck, they knew about the 'Kill All Enemies of Hussein' plank in my re-election platform before going to the polls. So they don't have the right to complain now.

If they didn't like it, they always could've voted for the other guy.

Oh wait. I forgot... I had the other guy tortured and murdered years ago, long before he could even consider declaring his candidacy.

Never mind.

But, like I was saying, I've managed to keep it in my own backyard. Don't ever let it be said that Saddam airs his dirty laundry in public. I have some class, after all.

It's like I was telling my old pal, Osama bin Laden, way back in August of 2001.

I hadn't heard from him in years but, out of the blue, he called me. He called 'collect', by the way, and my personal secretary accepted the charges. Needless to say, I had that secretary - and his entire family - executed the next day. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's poor job performance. But I'm sort of getting off the subject here...

In any case, Osama called and he was jabbering on and on about how he had this 'master plan' to strike America. It was all "jihad" this and "Great Satan" that. Yadda yadda yadda. While he wouldn't share the details, I had a sneaking suspicion it was going to be bad.

So, I told him, "Osama, don't do it, man! It'll bring on nothing but a world of hurt."

So, did he listen? Hell, no! But what do you expect from a guy who has been living in caves all his life?

He's not civilized, like you and I am, George.

By the way, now that I think of it, I really wish you'd stop calling me "evil" in the press. It really hurts my feelings. You know I'm basically a decent human being. So I've gassed a few Kurds from time to time. Big deal. Kurds in Iraq are like anti-war protestors in America - powerless and expendable, politically speaking.

As far as the things I've been quoted as saying in the last couple of months go, hey, I've been misquoted! I swear. I swear to Allah, I have!

So don't believe everything you read, George. Sometimes, it just ain't so!

I know I can be a little hard to get along with at times. Frankly, I just don't work well with others. But I've been trying, just ask Hans Blix.

Every now and then, when the pressure gets too great, I do what my psychiatrist called, "Pulling a Nutty." I can't help myself, that's just my way. That same doctor later said I suffered from megalomania. I thought to myself, "Doesn't he know who I am? I am an important man! I'm the great Saddam Hussein, linchpin to stability in the Middle East! How dare he?" Obviously, I was none too pleased with that diagnosis. The next day I had him - and his entire family - executed. Problem solved.

But I have been attempting to work on my bad habits. Through the miracle of video-conferencing, I even attended my first meeting of "Dictators Anonymous" last month. Or DA, for short. So, there I was, when this infidel named "Idi from Uganda" (no last names, it is a program based on anonymity) decided to share his experience, strength and hope. He said, "You can't go around slaughtering your own people, Saddam. That's just plain wrong. It's not like the good old days, when the world didn't much care as long as you kept it within your own borders. You have a problem, my friend."

Gee, thanks, Idi, for taking my inventory. Now I don't have to.

I'll be honest with you, George, I so felt like executing that guy - and his entire family - right then and there. But I didn't. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

It seems everybody wants to take my inventory these days. Whether it be personal or weapons of mass destruction. I wish they'd just lay off! The way I see it, if the U.S. government didn't want me to have these weapons in the first place, then it shouldn't have given them to me back in the 1980s. It's a little too late to start bellyaching about it now.

But that's just me.

George, I've heard you not only want me brought up on "war crimes" charges after this little conflict, but my two sons as well. Please leave my family out of it. I hate nothing more than people who go after their enemies' families, just out of spite. Uday and Qusay might have their share of problems but, at heart, they are good boys.

As a father yourself, I'm sure you understand.

Your twin daughters might a little problem with the alcohol, while my sons might go too far with the torturing and killing and such. But, they're still our children and, despite any faults they might have, we still love them, right?

By the way, I understand you don't want me to light the oil fields on fire this time. Like you said, they aren't really mine, they belong to the Iraqi people. I'm sure, years ago when you lived in Texas, you told the people there pretty much the same thing about "your" oil fields. But I can't make any promises. We have to make this "war" look good - if for no other reason than to give CNN, 'Time' and 'Newsweek' some nice photo-ops - so I'll have to do what I have to do, you know?

Well, I better wrap this letter up. My aides are all a-titter about getting me into a secret bunker. For some reason, they've been extremely nervous as of late. I know I can be hard on them at times, which generally makes for a nervous staff, but I think it's more than just that. I could be wrong, I suppose. But, then, I rarely am, so...

Write back, and give me the rest of the details on our pre-arranged 'surrender agreement'. Which day of the war was I suppose to let myself get captured, again? I don't have my calendar in front of me; I think I might've left it at one of the palaces. I'd send somebody to retrieve it later this week but, by then, the palace probably won't be there anymore. So let me know. I'd hate for us to screw up this "war" thing this late in the game, after all the months of careful planning we've both put into it. Just remember my two requests:

No tricks, a la having a soldier "accidentally" kill me in a so-called "firefight". I'm trusting you here, George.

Also, I want better prison accommodations than Manuel Noriega got.

Well, I must be going. Once again, thanks for this "war". I'm only one man and, even with a good-sized army, I can only kill so many of my own people each day. So many enemies, so little time. You know what I'm saying! So, thanks for bringing in your country's fancy killing machines and doing my job for me. I won't forget it, George. I owe you -- big time!

Your pal,

Saddam Hussein"


posted by Pete 10:17 AM
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