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Monday, March 10, 2003
Here are some upcoming measures which you may or may not have heard about...

[ 'New and Improved' Anti-Terrorism Measures ]


According to a Reliable Government Source of mine, the Bush Administration has a few new "anti-terrorism" measures slowly crawling up the pipeline of America.

Since I'm wearing my "Journalist" Hat at this moment, obviously I won't be able to reveal the identity of the federal government employee who is my source. Suffice to say, I believe him or her to be very reliable.

This is what I've been told:

COLOR-CODED BOARDING PASSES

The latest scheme in the works by Attorney General John Ashcroft, and cohorts, is additional airport security.

The plan is to implement "color-coded boarding passes" for all passengers. So, before you're allowed to board a plane, you'll be issued just such a pass.

It will be patterned after the five-color Homeland Security Public Threat Advisory system, currently in use.

The color of your particular pass will depend on how much of a "security risk" you've been determined to be beforehand.

So, for example, if you're a "frequent flier" businessman with a family and ties to the community, you'll get a "Blue" pass.

Of course, if you're ALSO white, you'll automatically be upgraded (or, "security downgraded") to "Green". Otherwise known as the "free pass".

If, however, you're a businessman of Middle Eastern descent with no ties to the community, you'll definitely be given the "Red" pass. Plus, they'll be watching your Terrorist Ass the entire flight!

I guess, because "racial profiling" has worked so well for various police departments in the U.S., somebody at the federal level thought it just might work on planes too.

Yeah, yeah... I know, it's not a race issue. It's a homeland security issue. You just keep telling yourself that, if it makes you feel safer.

While this next part isn't part of the official program - well, not yet anyway - I wonder if all those with "red" passes will have to sit at the back of the plane.

I mean, it worked so well with buses in America during the first half of the twentieth century, right? Well, at least until some people started getting uppity about it.


SMOKING OUT TERRORISTS

The second measure I've learned about involves possible terrorist attacks on buildings.

Watch for a government warning, detailing the "fake smoker" terrorist threat.

See, the plot goes a little something like this:

Some terrorists target a building. A federal building, a big corporation, or any building with large numbers of people in it.

Then, they locate the outside "smoking area" of said building.

On the day of the attack, one of the terrorists - presumably wearing an oversized coat, under which explosives are hidden - walks up to the smokers gathered outside and mingles with them.

Perhaps he bums a cigarette, or asks somebody for a light. Whatever it takes to "blend in" with the workers who're puffing away.

Then, when the group heads back into the building, the terrorist simply follows them in.

The next time he lights up, it isn't a cigarette. Instead, the building goes boom.

Perhaps all these anti-smoking ordinances - banning smoking in public buildings - that local governments have enacted in cities across this great land of ours, as of late, just might come back to bite us all in the butt.

Yes, in America they came first for the "potential terrorists" who didn't actually do anything yet and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a potential terrorist. Then they came for members of homegrown extremist/fringe groups who shot their mouths off one too many times and I didn't speak up because I wasn't an extremist. Then they came for the antiwar protestors and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a protestor. Then they came for the anti-social malcontents and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a malcontent. Then they came for me and the other smokers - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

[]

After reading this entry, you might be thinking, "That's TOO crazy, he's got to be making this stuff up."

Hey, I'm a good writer... but even I'm not that good! Just watch the news in the months ahead - you'll see who has the last laugh.

Me? I'm not laughing

posted by Pete 4:51 PM
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