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Tuesday, March 25, 2003
EMAIL QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "You're the Most Cynical Man in America today! Yet, I find myself laughing... despite sometimes knowing better."
- some old nobody

With all the violence in the news these days, I bring you some good old-fashioned sex. Or at least the implying of sex. With a dash of violence to lend a little spice...

Readers under 18 should not read some of these "random bits" without adult supervision. Okay, now that I've covered my ass as far as legal culpability goes, let the bits begin...

[ RANDOM BITS IV: (HANGING MYSELF FROM) A NEW ROPE ]

= Whatever Happened to Kaj? =

I haven't talked about my good friend, Kaj, in some time.

He's lived many tales of manly danger since we last spoke, and here are but two of them...

1. "I've Got Your Change Right HERE, Pal!"

The other night, Kaj was headed home from the convenience store - with his bottles of Jim Beam and pack of Lucky Strikes in tow - when he passed a homeless man.

The bum said, "Can you spare some change?"

Kaj gave him all the change he had, which amounted to twenty-five cents - all in pennies.

The bum screwed up his face real good, and spat, "What the hell am I suppose to do with pennies?!?" He threw the pennies into the street.

Nobody likes pennies anymore. Not even the down and out.

I ran into Kaj shortly thereafter. After we inhaled much noxious - but oh-so enjoyably relaxing - smoke and consumed a powerfully anesthetizing beverage or two, Kaj showed me a lead pipe he had hidden under his jacket.

He had picked it up somewhere after that little Tete de Tete with the homeless man.

A real man always knows where to find a lead pipe when it is truly needed.

His anger now fueled by large quantities of nicotine and alcohol, Kaj was all set to go "kick the bum ass" of the penny-tossing guy he felt had "disrespected" him.

"Yeah, Kaj," I replied, "that sounds like a good plan. Go take the last thing the homeless alcoholic has - his dignity."

Luckily, for all concerned, Kaj urinated himself and passed out on the couch before he could start any real trouble.

2. "Waylaid by Dating"

Recently, Kaj was telling me about his alleged supposed girlfriend. Actually, I guess they'd only been flirting - heavily - up to that point.

"Should I ask her out?" he said. Truth be told, there was much preceding THAT question, but mostly it was of the "I haven't gotten laid in so long" variety so I won't bore you with the details.

"Tell me about her," I replied.

"Well, first of all, she's Catholic."

Then, he told me that she had asked him out, by using what has to be one of the most unique dating lines I've ever heard: "Do you want to go with me to the 'Stations of the Cross' (church) service?"

Any time you can get a girl on her knees, eh, Kaj?

It reminded me of a disco-hit I once heard: "Do a little genuflecting... make a little confession... get down tonight!"

Or something to that effect.

I sat Kaj down for a long talk. I made several points - good points, I think - not the least of which were:

...She's Catholic, so don't expect to "get laid." Unless, of course, you marry this nice Catholic girl first. But let's not do anything crazy now, ok?

...If you do "get laid", know full well you'll be wearing a condom. Good Catholics don't use birth control. But American Catholics do.

...Even if condom-wearing sex does - by some miracle - occur, the next thing to get laid on will be the guilt. Them Catholics sure love that guilt. Whether it is their own or yours, it doesn't matter. Guilt is always good.

He didn't bring the woman up for about a week. Then, it was back to the same old routine - Kaj is hot for the Catholic chick. He wants to ask her out. He hasn't "gotten laid" in a long long time. Blah blah blah.

Finally, fully exasperated, I said, "Do you actually ever listen to my advice, or do you just ask because you like to see my gums jawing from time to time?"

Yup, I'm pretty sure if Kaj doesn't give up on this hopeless pairing, he is going to hell.

He might even go there AFTER he dies too.

(Kaj's past manly adventures were chronicled in my 11/19 column and one other time too, but heck if I remember the date... Oh yeah, 1/6/03.)
-

= They Shoot Camels, Don't They? =

Two recent stories from Agence France-Presse:

"Iran was hit by two coalition rockets yesterday, an Iranian commander said. Abadan city governor Jamal Alemi said three people, including a security guard, were hurt when a bomb or missile fell on the petrochemical depot in Abadan on Friday." (Mar. 23 03)

...then...

"A US colonel in charge of the Patriot battery that shot down a British Tornado jet in the belief it was an Iraqi missile has apologised for the blunder that killed two amid assurances it cannot happen again..." (Mar. 25 03)


Come on, guys, learn to use those fancy killing machines safely! It's not like this is rocket science or something!

Oh, wait a second... I guess it IS more or less rocket science.

Sorry.

My bad.

Carry on with the bloodshed. Don't mind me.
-

= PORNOGRAPHY =

This bit has absolutely nothing to do with pornography.

It is just a blatant attempt to get my web log to show up in "search engine" searches, through the gratuitous use of the word 'pornography'. Or (keyword) - porn - for short.

I suppose I could've used other phrase-strings to lure in unsuspecting perverts. Two that come to mind are: "horny sluts who love sloppy wet sex" and "innocent girls with incredibly large fake boobs"

But I try to keep things simple here. Hence, I went with "pornography."

The most popular item searched for, and viewed, on the web is pornography and, quite frankly, I want on that particular gravy train.

If you happened to find this site while doing a search for porn, then shame on you! Double-double shame, you pornographic purviewer of smut, you!
-

= Steal This Book! =

I was at a local (Tempe AZ) mom-and-pop turned large outlet-style bookstore the other day.

It used to be a little "hole in the wall" kind of place, where you could always find a hidden gem. It recently moved.

It is now a "clean, well-lit place." I'd tell you the name of it, but don't want to get myself in trouble. However, if ownership should ever change hands, I'll name the bookstore at that later date.

In any case, as I headed into the restroom there, I spied a little laminated card taped to the door.

It read: "We will prosecute Shoplifters to the full extent of the law per A.R.S. 13-1805. Please DO NOT STEAL our merchandise. If you do, understand that we will attempt to send you to jail. Shoplifting hurts everyone - our staff, our customers, our profits..."

Needless to say, I couldn't help myself. I just couldn't help myself.

I stole the 'No Shoplifting' sign. It was a - as the kids say - bookstore bling-bling. So, I slipped it in my pocket and got the heck out of there.

Later, when my friend discovered what I had done, he was not as amused as I. He said, "That's so wrong!"

I am currently using the card as a bookmark. In books I actually paid for, purchased at other bookstores.
-

= Web Cam Fun! =

Lately, I've been using Yahoo! Messenger. Some nights, I "message" with my friend, Mia. She is a big flirt, but plagued by Massive Indecision so like anything's ever going to happen there, right?

Besides being indecisive, there's also the small matter of her husband, Bob.

Or, as I call him, "The Only Thing Standing Between Me and Mia."

So, anyway, she promised to call me one afternoon but never did.

When "messaging" the following night - with her Web-Cam ON - she asked, "Are you mad?"

I wrote back, "I'm not mad. Just disappointed."

Looking at her web cam image, I noticed she was then standing up. The next thing I knew, she was completely topless.

It was a swingin' good time on the ole web cam that night.

Next, she's down to her panties. I'm gawking at tattoos that nobody but her husband had seen in years. (Of course, she DOES have a web cam, so maybe others have seen 'em... I just don't want to know about it!)

Damn, I thought to myself, she's one fine-lookin' broad. Somebody pinch me, I must be dreaming.

That was the exact moment when my loins literally burst into flames.

I wondered what the hell I'd gotten myself into.

She then wrote, "Any less disappointed now?"

Yes, that definitely took the edge off of my previous disappointment.

Then, it was all over. Mia was fully dressed again.

The whole thing lasted less than two minutes. That brought back some bad memories, most of which involved torturously disappointing nights with other women.

But we needn't go into my overwhelming feelings of deja vu, performance anxiety and sexual doom.

Now I find myself getting "disappointed" with women more often, but only if they own a web cam. I'm no fool.
-

= Pride of the Lion... but NOT 'Gay Pride'! =

My friend, The Artist Known as Jake Martinez, is concerned that other people think he is gay. To the point of it almost being an obsession with him.

After the first time I met him, he later said to me, "I think you thought I was gay, but I'm not."

Just for the record, The Artist Known as Jake Martinez is not gay. He is very very not gay. Not that there would be anything wrong with that, but as it so happens he is straight.

In October '02, The Artist Known as Jake Martinez was profiled in 'Phoenix New Times'. In the article, the reporter wrote, "He (was) that kooky kid in high school, the slightly delicate man-child that the boys thought might be gay and the girls knew wasn't..."

See, he's so not gay it isn't even funny. Just ask the girls.

The girl reporter also wrote, "Martinez looks like a lion, with a mane of tousled black curls, broad shoulders and a soft belly that begs to be scratched..."

What the hell? Scratched by whom? Is that some kind of reporter-centric subtext, or just a colorful description on her part?

I'd take a guess, but I could be wrong and would then come dangerously close to libel. Then, a reporter SUES, SEE?

Recently, The Artist Known as Jake Martinez had surgery to correct a bad case of "sleep apnea". The doctors tore open his esophagus, effectively widening his entire throat so he could breathe more easily.

Too bad he's not gay, huh?


Boy, am I ever going to get the hate mail over that one.

Now, he has trouble swallowing. Sometimes liquids go up his nose. Think of your own "double entandre" here.

All kidding aside, he's a pretty stand up guy. For not being "bent", that is. Check out his artwork at--

http://www.jakemartinez.com/

So, you might be asking yourself, DID I think he was gay the first time I met him?

No, I did not. Nor do I think he is gay now.

But he can act a little fruity from time to time.

In conclusion, all I can say is I'm glad The Artist Known as Jake Martinez has a good sense of humor. Otherwise, he might've gone "hakuna matata" on me, and kicked my ever-lovin' ass.

Also, as an artist he is (like most artists) a "media whore". So, ANY press is good press as long as they spell your name right. That's my friend, The Artist Known as Jay Martinic.

(The Artist Known as Jake Martinez has been mentioned previously, in my columns on 2/17 & 3/1 respectively.)
-

= Late-Night Talk =

A couple of weeks ago, I visited a friend who lives out-of-state. A female friend.

After a night of the particularly delightful making of wild monkey love, we were going to sleep.

But I couldn't sleep. So I started to talk. I went on and on. I just couldn't shut up.

Her part of the conversation consisted mostly of the random uttering of "Uh-huh" from time to time.

But my chatter was going full-tilt. I couldn't seem to stop.

Finally, she said, "Of all the guys I could've slept with, I had to pick the one that actually WANTS to talk after sex."

End of conversation. Other than us both laughing out loud at that particularly witty retort.

But, now that I'm back in Phoenix, I've hardly heard a peep out of her. When she does email me, her mood can be charitably described as "catatonic."

I guess she got what she wanted when I visited, and now I've been kicked to the curb.

Not that I wanted a "long-distance" relationship or anything. I can barely handle "little- to no-" distance relationships.

Heck, I don't even know if I'm looking for a girlfriend anyway. I'd rather hang out with friends.

Or, if they're female, what one woman I know calls "friends with privileges."

Insert the proverbial "wink wink, nudge nudge" here.
-

= Warring Catch Phrases =

No sooner was the phrase "shock and awe" applied to the recent beginning of the sustained attack in Iraq than the media (both mass- and Internet-) managed to run that little nugget right into the ground.

It's all "shock and awe", or slight variations thereof, these days.

It was only two days into the war when I saw the phrase used in the local SPORTS page, as in... "I was in SHOCK AND AWE at the game upset that occurred on the field last night."

Amazingly, that's one of the least appalling examples I've seen in a veritable sea of "shock and awe."

And so that little catch-phrase joins the formerly popular "weapons of mass (use your own variation of "destruction" here -- distraction, consumption, whatever) on the trash heap of popular culture.

It took less than a week, which is neither shocking nor awe-inspiring.

It's just sad.
-

= Dinner & A Movie =

Last weekend, I went out on a date with a beautiful woman. (Note to Self: Never ever pick up women at the library again. They may be well read, but that's not going to help if you yourself are "dating illiterate.")

After the movie, we went for coffee. At some point, she turned to me and said, "You're one of those freethinkers or something, huh?"

This is NEVER a good sign on a first date. Believe you me. It pretty much went downhill from there.

The date ended with her saying, "I'll call you later."

Translation For Men: "I'll never call you. Even if somebody breaks into my apartment and attacks me, and my choice is between calling 911 and you - and 911 is busy - I won't call. I'd rather die than call you."

Of course, "I'll call you later" is better than the last line I heard. After dating this other woman for about two weeks, we broke things off. The last thing she said to me?

"Let's keep in touch."

She hasn't. In fact, the only "touching" going on these days takes place in the privacy of my own bed.

But that's probably a little more than you wanted to know.
-

= Top Headlines =

The "top three headlines" read on, and emailed from, the website of the 'Arizona Republic', for the week ending March 21, were:

3. "Arizona nuclear plant subject of terrorist threat"

2. "Palo Verde plant secure from attack, officials say"

...and...

1. "Cat goes psycho, traps owner in bathroom"

No matter where we turn, we're being terrorized. Whether it be "Al Qaeda" or "El Gato", it makes little difference.

As Emperor Dubya hisself once proclaimed, "If you're a terrorist, you're a terrorist... I can't make it any more clearly than than that"."
-

= Fan Mail =

This week I got a rather sweet letter from a fan. I don't get much fan mail. Hate mail, yes, but not so much with the supportive ones. I guess the people who like my writing don't feel the need to write. But if it's somebody who's pissed off -- hoo-boy!

The email read: "Hey Pete! I'm a newcomer to your site and let me tell you I am thrilled that I discovered it...

...In case your wondering who the heck your talking to I'll give you a little general info. I'm a kid/teen and that's pretty much it. Now I know you're probably rolling your eyes right now saying 'why should I be listening to some wacky kid who I could care less about.'"

I didn't roll my eyes. I always enjoy hearing from the young people.

She finished with, "...so long for now and I hope you respond and at least read this - mainly because I'm just so weird but in a good way and I think you sort of have that weirdness in you (and I mean that in a good way). I take being weird as a compliment."

So now I'm a role model for the kids. The so-called "weird" kids, but still...

It kind of gets 'ya right in the ole ticker, don't it?

A word of advice to those kids: Just remember, as Kermit the Frog once said, "It's not easy being green."

Lord knows I know that to be true.
-

= Final Tally =

Rereading these "Random Bits", let's tally up everybody I've offended this week:

Catholics? CHECK

Fans of Pornography? CHECK

Law-abiding citizens? CHECK

The sexually repressed? CHECK

Friends & lovers? QUADRUPLE CHECK

Feminists? CHECK

Homosexuals? CHECK

Cat Lovers? CHECK

Parents? CHECK

The Humorless? BIG BIG CHECK

...I think my work is done here.



posted by Pete 8:08 PM
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