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Monday, February 10, 2003

This is pretty much the heart-shaped version of my irregular "Random Bits" feature. A bit of sweetness and light for all you lovers out there.


If you see an attractive woman, go for it. Ask her out. The worst she can do is say, "No." At least in theory. In practice, she can do a lot worse but only after you two have been dating for a while. So, if it's just asking her out, I say go for it. It won't destroy you. No, there's plenty of time for that later.

Never tell a woman she has "beautiful eyes", as she'll know this is a line. Instead, I recommend, "You have an ass that just won't quit." If she reacts favorably, then add, "Hubba, hubba."

If things appear to be going too smoothly in your relationship, chances are they are. So fully expect the "other shoe to drop" shortly thereafter. When it does, react with righteous indignation.

Never be open and honest - especially in the beginning of the relationship. And no matter how long it lasts; always alternate between 'hot' and 'cold' with your affections. Better yet, tell her you have "commitment issues" as this will be a huge 'turn on' for her.

If she asks what your favorite movies are, never pick 'chick flicks'. So "Fried Green Tomatoes" is out. Ditto "Girl, Interrupted". Instead, choose movies with a lot of car chases and things that blow up real good. She won't understand you. This is good.

Never, ever say, "I love you." Instead, use phrases like, "You're pleasant company, sometimes", "You're A-o.k., kiddo" and, the perennial favorite, "I'm really really interested in you."

If she wants chicken for dinner, you want fish. If she's a vegetarian, you order a juicy, rare steak when at a restaurant. If she's a Democrat, immediately register as a Republican.

If you tell her you'll call at 3pm, wait until at least 9pm - and then offer up the lamest excuse you can to explain your tardiness.

If you two have a fight, tell her you're "pissed off for at least a dozen reasons", then wait days before contacting her to explain what those reasons are. When you do get in touch, do it by phone never in person.

Words that are OUT: honey, dear, sweetheart
Words that are IN: bitch, slut, cold fish
Why? Because chicks dig that. As an aside, don't call 'em "chicks" to their faces. Many women frown upon that.

Don't mark down her birthday, your anniversary, or any other "special day" on the calendar. Having them written down only makes it easier to remember. Forget all-important dates as soon as possible. Remembering them can only lead to trouble.

Never let them see you sweat.

Take the time, as often as possible, to bitch about something she has absolutely no interest in. In many cases, automobiles and sports are two good topics of mutual non-interest. Talk about these subjects in minute detail, until she looks noticeable bored or her eyes literally glaze over. Then, repeat the conversation.

If she cheats on you, DON'T kill her. I'd say, "Do kill her", but for the fact that some yahoo might actually take that advice and then I could be held legally responsible as an accessory to "murder before the fact." So, instead, just dump her ass. When dumping, the phrase "in a shallow grave" comes to mind. But never, ever kill her.

Never cry. Even if your arm is chopped off at the elbow in a horrible accident, never cry. Screaming out in agonizing pain is also a no-no. Just "hang tough" until you either go into shock or pass out.

After reading "LovesKill", some may say I'm bitter. I'm not. I'm just a realist. I'd like to thank all the women I've ever dated, or had a relationship with, for helping me become one. I dedicate this special day to you, ladies. Happy V.D.


I'm reposting the "Dating Tip" piece, which first appeared on Jan. 20, because I received a reply - from a woman - which I found mildly amusing. The reply follows.

= Dating Tip for Men =

If you ask your date where she wants to go to eat and she says, "I don't know", then she really doesn't know.

However, if she says, "I don't care", then not only does she care very much, but fully expects you to figure out the restaurant she has in mind without her actually having to tell you.

This is part of the 'Dating Through Osmosis' theory of personal relationships.

Yes, sometimes woman can act goofy this way. But that's o.k., because some guys can be pretty dense in the same situation. So they pretty much cancel each other out.

That's why couples end up at the right restaurant. It is also how babies are made, children who then grow up to be more goofy and/or dense than their parents.

And *that* is the theory of 'De-evolution' in practice.

So many theories, so little time. My work is done here.

= REPLY: Dating Tip for Men, by a Woman =

"When you ask your date where she wants to go to eat and she says, "I don't know," not only does she not know, but is perhaps, not even hungry. Oh, the regret when, after having developed a nasty over-eating habit so flippantly; said date rapidly becomes food-centered and unattractive-thereby evaporating her sex appeal, other than while watching porn. On the other hand, the reply "I don't know" could mean that she is so very hungry, that the choices are too many and overwhelming. In this case--men--waste no time in picking a rather eclectic place that serves tasty sandwiches. If you fail to solve this riddle (time allowances vary from woman to woman), and she is hungry, she will only grow more and more irritable (inconsolably so) and discontent. Within only moments your chances of scoring with her after the date decline to nearly none; furthermore, the mere suggestion of sex will be considered insensitive and inattentive (yikes!), causing her to question her choice in men, become self-righteously abstinent, constantly remind you of your single-minded shallow-end tact, and of course, meet a more "understanding" man (1st), and break-up (2nd).

At the same time, if she answers the question with an "I don't care," then she is (what a relief!) what many of us refer to as "low-maintenance," or, "easy-going." She really doesn't care. It also suggests that she is (how refreshing!) perfectly happy to go to eat wherever YOU prefer, all the while knowing that if you are pleased, you are certainly going to please the "fuck" right out of her!

And so it goes - a dating tip that is sure to charm true gratification from wherever it may be lurking! Keep in mind then, that if you hear the suspiciously innocent words "I don't know," after the suspiciously innocent question "Where would you like to go to dinner," make sure to beat it out of her if she cares or not!


Michelle Fischer"


#1 "Funeral Pick-Up" This is a true story. There was a young woman whose boyfriend died. We'll call him 'Bob'. The deceased's best (male) friend drove the grieving woman home from the funeral service.

During the trip, he turned to her and said, "You know, I think Bob dying is a sign... that you and I are meant to be together."

The woman never called the deceased's supposed best friend again.

Personally, if it were me, I would've waited a week before using that line. Hell, I've got *some* class.

#2 "Limousine Pick Up" If you're traveling by limo, you've got one heck of an "in" with the ladies. Just pull up to the curb in any area well-heeled ladies congregate (clubs, discos, churches) and invite them for a ride. Chances are, you'll find some willing takers.

Note to Self: Buy Limousine.

Thus ends this week's web log entry. Return next Tuesday, for something or other. Until then, here's an entry posted Saturday/Sunday about the shuttle... - Pete

posted by Pete 9:35 PM
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