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Monday, February 24, 2003
(Today's first entry is about as in-joke as it gets here at "The World...". If you didn't watch the guilty pleasure known as "The Surreal Life", you might want to scroll down to my SECOND entry of the day. It's about death, depression and the War in Iraq. Things most everybody can relate to these days. - Pete)


[ Whatever Happened To? The Cast of "The Surreal Life" ]

This season on the WB Network's "The Surreal Life", seven C-list celebrities moved into a big house together, just to see what would happen. Hilarity ensued. Corey Feldman (movie actor), MC Hammer (rapper turned preacher), Vince Neil (singer, Motley Crue), Emmanuel Lewis (TV's "Webster"), Gabrielle Carteris (actress, "90210"), Brande Roderick (Playboy Playmate) and Jerri Manthey (TV's "Survivor 2") made us laugh and, sometimes, made us cry.

After all the joy these fine, upstanding celebs brought us over the course of a few weeks on "The Surreal Life", America now can't help but ask, "Whatever happened to?" them.

Here's an update, detailing what occurred after the "surreal life" ended and the real-life began.

EMMANUEL LEWIS: Opted for elective surgery, to have that annoying laugh removed once and for all. Put together a vaudeville-style song and dance touring show with TV's Dr. Phil. Manny danced, Dr. Phil talked. Boy, did he talk. They made their way across America, healing the hearts and minds of people everywhere they went.

VINCE NEIL: Guest starred on another WB series, a role he won during "The Surreal Life" talent show. He was pissed off that the show turned out to be "Reba". Neil had his heart set on playing a supervillian on "Smallville". He reformed Motley Crue and, along with Whitesnake and Ratt, mounted a "Big Hair Metal Bands of the 80s" reunion package tour. The tour was cancelled, however, due to poor ticket sales. As it turns out, one-time fans stayed away in droves because, quite frankly, they were embarrassed to admit they liked these bands in the first place. Never mind going to a reunion concert.

Neil took a class, "Grocery Shopping 101", at the local community college. He got a passing grade, but only after seducing the 55-year old former heavy metal chick that taught the class.

His teacher was quoted, in the 'National Enquirer', as saying, "I grew up with Black Sabbath and Aerosmith, but, boy did that Vince have a huge set of pipes on him. I was smitten with the Motley Crue bad boy. Let me tell you, the women that say, 'its not the size of the pipes that count, but how a man can sing with them' are lying."

Just last week, Neil was spotted in Safeway. He successfully found a gallon of milk and loaf of bread. Amazingly, he didn't go over his food budget either, proving that taking the class was a good idea after all.

BRANDE RODERICK: After the show, Roderick met many interesting and influential people in the entertainment industry.

She wondered how many of them still pictured her buck naked when first meeting, despite her career-changing role on "The Surreal Life."

After many pathetic dates, she finally met the man of her dreams. He wasn't in the entertainment industry, ironically enough. She got married, had five kids, and now spends her twilight years living in a doublewide trailer in Cottonwood, AZ. She appears to be quite happy, except for (in her words), "...all that heavy drinking he (her husband) does."

GABRIELLE CARTERIS: She went back to her happy life as a wife and mother. However, she still secretly hopes for that day Aaron Spelling calls, to tell her the "Beverly Hills 90210" Reunion Special has been green-lighted by the network.

MC HAMMER: Building on his TV star-turn, Hammer released a highly successful gospel-rap CD. He made millions. He appeared in several popular movies. He made millions on that too.

A week later, he was completely broke again.

While friends differ on where it all went wrong this time, most think it might've been that fleet of gold-plated Cadillacs that Hammer bought after his career took off again.

Hammer now ekes out a living as a television preacher. But, hey, at least he's happy.

COREY FELDMAN: After the show, Feldman became more neurotic. If that's even possible. After one year of marriage he divorced his wife, Suzi. He then decided, once and for all, to follow his own rule of, "Never date, or marry, a fan."

Instead, Feldman found himself a nice celebrity stalker.

"She's NOT a fan, she's a stalker," 'The National Enquirer' quoted him as saying recently, "there's a big difference, dude!"

Feldman and his stalker wanted to get married but, alas, they couldn't find a Reality TV show willing to allow them airtime to do so. Not even that new show, "The Saddest Damn Spectacles in Television History", would allow it.

He never remarried.

After appearing on "The Surreal Life", Feldman auditioned for many movie roles. He lost most of those to Corey Haim.

He finally remembered his "million dollar role" discussion with MC Hammer, during the show campout, and asked Hammer to manage his career. After that, Feldman's career took off. He landed many movie roles, and made millions.

Unfortunately, he also made Hammer his financial officer. How Feldman went so broke, so quickly, is a matter of public speculation, but most think it might've been that fleet of gold-plated Cadillacs that Hammer bought with Feldman's money, as an "investment".

Feldman was last seen wandering the streets of west Hollywood, muttering, "Hi, my name is Corey Feldman. Would you like me to sing you a song from the CD I put out years ago? No, you wouldn't? In that case, would you, by chance, have a spare cigarette? Hey, I'm Corey Feldman, dammit, gimme a smoke!"

JERRI MANTHEY: After the show, Manthey became a highly sought-after television personality. She appeared on MSNBC's "Donahue", on which she played the bongo drums and dished dirt on the celebrities she's met.

Asked if she thought the "Donahue" appearance would hurt her career, she said, "No way, because who the hell was even watching?"

The ratings for "Donahue" pretty much bear her out, showing that, in fact, only three people were watching that night.

She auditioned for numerous TV roles and, when she didn't get them, wondered if, perhaps, she wasn't aggressive enough during the auditions.

Manthey now spends her time living the life of a "highly sought-after television personality." Frankly, she's exhausted. But she'll survive.

This ends our "Whatever Happened To?" update for the cast of "The Surreal Life." All the cast members would like to say "Thank you for watching" except Feldman, who says, "Come on, man, I *really* need a cigarette! I'm Corey Feldman, dammit, star of 'Lost Boys', so help me out here!"

MY PICKS FOR "The Surreal Life 2" Cast Members:

JM J. Bullock (TV's "Too Close for Comfort"), Aurora Snow (porn star), Jimmy Swaggart (homophobic fallen TV preacher who digs porn), Adam Rich (TV's "8 is Enough"), Mike Tyson (boxer with mood swings), Kennedy (politically conservative ex-MTV VJ), and Janeane Garofalo (comic, who apparently has *way* too much time on her hands these days).

posted by Pete 11:02 AM
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