RATE THIS BLOG - click hereBlogarama

Site Meter
The World According to Pete

Subscribe in NewsGator Online blog archives

Recommended Weblogs of Equal or Lesser Value
Heart Failure
How Not To Fly
Ludic Log
Monkey Cage
Porn Clerk Girl
Random Acts of Reality
Stacey Nightmare

Good-N-Plenty Sites of Interest
Bob from Accounting
Church Sign Generator
Jim Goad
Modern Drunkard
Rant of the Week
Retro Future
'Salon Apocalypse'
Slash & Burn

BLOGOSPHERE News & Reviews


Alpha Bloggers
Blogging as Journalism
Starting a Blog
You've Got Blog

31 Flavors of Blog
Weblog Review

Confessions of an Internet Junkie!
My 'Generic Blog'

Pete Media
Pete Vs. the Virgin Mary ('89), then...
...'New Times' calls Pete a 'creep'('97)
Yucca Video/TV Clip
Pete out-predicts Psychics ('99)
Pete's research quoted in 'Earth Changes' book ('01)
Art For Pete's Sake ('03)

Cool Comix, Fun Flix & Groovy Tunes
Day by Day
Red Meat
Way Lay

I, Doll
Rainbow TV

Resonance Radio
Strangely Familiar

Damn Fine Art
Sarina Brewer
Joe Coleman
David Ho
Jenny Ignaszewski
Mark Mothersbaugh
Pete Petrisko
Mark Ryden
Isabel Samaras
Chris Winkler
Joel-Peter Witkin

Web Cam Fun!
Bubble Cam
Continental Drift Cam
Deformed Frog Cam
JFK Assassin Cam
Peeling Paint Cam

Email Pete about the world. He might reply. All work herein (c) 2002-2004 by Peter Petrisko

This page is powered by Blogger.

Wednesday, January 01, 2003
TWO QUOTABLE QUOTES: "In life, question everything. Accept nothing at face value." - pp. 32 of 'The Wisdom of Pete' (And, yes, that certainly applies when reading this blog.)

"You better learn to laugh at life, because its already laughing at you." - pp. 65 of 'The Wisdom of Pete'
Regarding my Christmas Day piece: As some readers didn't read last week's blog all the way through - due to "lack of time" and their propensity to only "scan news" due to the large volume they read each day - and then jumped to the wrong conclusion, I've added a new feature here at 'The World According to Pete'. After each week's blog, you'll find the "Attention Challenged Readers' Version" of the same long-version blog entry. So, if you're "attention challenged", simply scroll past all the lengthy paragraphs that follow, to the end of each week's entry, for the short version. Thank you very much. (And to the "attention challenged", I simply say, "Thank.")



Every year I come up with some New Year's resolutions, and this year is no exception. Here are mine for 2003, and some of the reasons behind them.

RESOLUTION 1. Stop Drinking Alcohol.

I'm not sure why I've made this one. Maybe I'm just tired of being ten feet tall, not to mention the best pool player and lover on the face of the planet. That's a heavy burden, one I've endured through many years of drinking.

Or maybe its the things that happen when I drink. "Wacky" might be one word to describe them. Things such as:

A. After drinking too much, I'm very hung over the next day. I'm so violently hung over, I'm physically shaking and throwing up. Then, I start having seizures. However, the first time this happens, I don't connect it with being hung over. I think its just coincidence. The second time it occurs, it begins to dawn on me that the two *might* be related. The third time, I'm hunched over the toilet. During the seizure, I pass out. I wake up underwater. Puke-filled water, no less. Instinct takes over, and I push forward to break the surface. I crack my head on the bottom of the toilet. Then, I pull my head out. Insert "sputter, sputter" here.

Now, when this happened, it was during a time in which I ran an art gallery. The local press had turned me into a "local celebrity", so my drowning would've made the papers. As I sat on the bathroom floor, water and puke running down my head, I envisioned the headline that would've accompanied such a story: "Man Flushes Life Down Toilet"

B. After drinking too much one night, I black out. I wake up the next morning in my car, which is parked in an alley. Oh, did I mention I wasn't anywhere near my car when I started drinking that night? Anyway, I wake up to the sound of somebody banging on the car window. I look up to see a woman standing outside, and she's saying, "So, are you going to take me to breakfast, or what?" Then, I notice this woman has a five o'clock shadow. It is not a woman after all, despite his best attempts to appear to be one. I drive away. At that point, I really need a drink.

C. After drinking too much with friends, we drive over to this guy's house. I don't know him personally, he's a friend of a friend. Once inside, I have to take a crap. I go to the bathroom, and sit down on the toilet to do my business. In the middle of it, I have this uncontrollable urge to throw up. So, I twist around to vomit into the toilet. I slip and fall. I throw up but miss the toilet. It is then that I notice that I haven't finished crapping, and quickly find myself lying in my own puke and shit. Time passes. People are knocking on the door, "Are you okay in there, its been like an hour?" I answer "yes", exiting the bathroom soon thereafter. I immediately leave the home of this person I do not know, mumbling something like, "Sorry about the mess." As I head out the door, I hear people murmur, "What mess?" I never see these people again. Purposely. But, I figure, at least I gave the guy a good story to tell all his friends for years to come. "Did I ever tell you about the time this dude I didn't even know came over, drunk as a skunk, and asked to use my bathroom?"

When it comes to drinking, I guess I'm just tired of falling prey to the "And the Next Thing I Knew" Syndrome. And the next thing I knew, I woke up with a strange woman in my bed. And the next thing I knew, I was in jail. Etcetera.

RESOLUTION 2. Stop Having Indiscriminate Sex With Women.

Now, I don't have sex just to "have sex". Like most men, I consent because I just want to be loved. Being viewed as just a "piece of meat", all the cat-calls and shouts of "hubba, hubba" when walking past a group of women - this is the cross we men must bear just to find that tender feeling. After all, experience shows that most women have one thing on their minds. S. E. X.

I especially don't like it if I've had a few drinks,
because they see me as easy prey and try their best to convince me that going home with them would be the best experience of my life. Frankly, if a woman is desperate enough and drunk enough, any man becomes reasonably
attractive to them.

Sometimes, I feel so dirty and used.

And afterwards, she doesn't stick around, when all I want is to just be held. But why should she make any kind of commitment - After all, why buy the snake when you can get the venom for free?

So, I must stop being so overly emotional and needy. But I don't know if I can. I am a man. It is my nature.

RESOLUTION 3. Stop Smoking.

I smoke menthols. I do this to look suave and debonair. Also, I've heard it makes me more attractive to the opposite sex, not to mention I seem way cooler than I actually am with a cigarette hanging from my lip. When a woman kisses me, its like licking an ashtray, which I understand can be a big turn-on for some.

But my health suffers, so I'm giving it up. My plan is to eat therapeutic mineral ice for the time being. Mmmm, mentholicious. Same great taste as my cigarettes, but without all the health risks.

What scared me into quitting are two things.

First, my friend, little Joe, who has smoked much longer and much more per day than I do, who has this persistent, heavy, hacking cough. One day soon, he's going to hack up bits of lung, from the sound of it. What he hacks up now is pretty gross, but thankful its not lung. At least, I don't think it is. Anyway, now I'm developing a cough. My chest gets very tight. The only thing that seems to relieve it is another cigarette, smoked very quickly. Now, I'm no medical doctor, but I have a theory on this... I believe, when I haven't had a smoke in awhile ("awhile" being defined as "more than three hours since my last one"), my lungs become cold and hard. So, by inhaling some more hot smoke, I effectively "reheat" my lung tissue. It once again becomes soft and moist. Unfortunately, if little Joe is any indication, this stops working after awhile. Then, its hack city for the rest of your days.

Secondly, there is this sad fact. Sometimes, when I cross the room to answer the phone, I'm winded by the time I get there. Bad sign, no?

UPDATE - UPDATE: I wrote the preceding resolutions on Dec. 30. Last night, I went out to celebrate New Year's Eve with some friends. We ended up at a bar. With thoughts of "only one drink, for old times sake" I had a whiskey sour, which pretty much degenerated into me doing my impression of a fish as the night wore on. I met a young lady, one thing led to another, and I had indiscriminate sex. This morning, feeling guilty and hung over, I smoked two packs of cigarettes just to calm my nerves. Damn those resolutions anyway. So, in response, I've come up with a new resolution.

RESOLUTION 4. I will not kill myself over breaking all my New Year's resolutions within the first 24 hours of 2003.

Now, if a new blog post appears here next Tuesday, you'll know I've kept this one. If it doesn't, I'd appreciate somebody sending an ambulance over to collect my bloated, alcohol and smoke-filled, recently sexed corpse. Thank you.

So, I guess the lesson to be learned is as follows: By setting your resolutions too high, you've only set yourself up for failure. Its about progress, not perfection, baby!

ATTENTION CHALLENGED READERS' VERSION: Made resolutions. Broke Resolutions. Woe is me.

posted by Pete 9:29 AM
Comments: Post a Comment