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Monday, January 20, 2003
Here are some items that didn't fit in previous columns, or else were too short to be full entries in and of themselves. So I'm dumping them here, in a piece I like to call...

[ RANDOM BITS ]

= Horn Dog =

Last week, I met my friend, James, up at Starbucks.

He had brought his puppy, Roland - a cute dobey / shepard / lab mix - with him. As Roland is only about three months old, this was his first real "walk" away from the house proper.

While we sat outside, drinking coffee and chatting amicably, a funny thing began to occur.

Women who were walking by would stop to pet Roland, and chat for a moment. Young and attractive women, I might add.

It turns out that Roland is a real "babe magnet".

In fact, that puppy got more action in one hour outside Starbucks than James and I have seen in a year combined.

Later, I asked James if I could "borrow" Roland some time.

As he is a stingy, horny bastard, James said, "No."

On a final note, I've heard that babies work even better than puppies. There's just one drawback: You can't chain up a baby in the backyard at night. Well, actually, I guess you could - its just not recommended. Plus, its a real "turn off" to women if you do.
-

= Exit, Stage Left, at The Door =

Lo, those many years ago, when I was a teenager and still had the energy for tomfoolery, some friends and I went to visit 'The Door' one evening.

For those of you who don't know, 'The Door' is a hardcore born-again christian revival meeting establishment.

Just for the record, none of *us* were christians at the time.

Beside myself, there was Rod - a still-hippified hippie from the 60s - his daughter, 15, and a soft spoken tech-type named Nick, age 28.

After parking, we went inside 'The Door'. It was packed, and all attention was on a stage in the front. There was a play going on, but as we had missed the beginning, I wasn't quite sure what the story was about. Apparently, from what I gathered from what we did see, some guy had died and they had put his body in a cave.

There was a huge, papier-mâché cave on-stage, with a big, Styrofoam boulder stuffed into the cave entrance.

Broadway, this was not.

The actors wandered about the stage, enacting bad acting. They all used a lot of "thees" and "thous" when they spoke. With the archaic language, it was very hard to follow, which made me think that maybe they were doing Shakespeare.

But I digress, for at that point each of the four of us were approached by true-believin' audience members. Each person coming up to us pretty much matched our individual "types". An older, bearded guy for Rod. A young girl for his daughter. A teenaged guy for me. A clean-cut twenty something for Nick.

We were separated from each other. Now, I can't speak for the others, but I was witnessed to, which concluded with this earnest young man asking me, "Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and personal savior?"

"Listen, pal," I replied, "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was eight, and I don't plan on worshipping a 2,000 year old corpse."

Did I mention none of us were christians at the time?

Anyway, something similar must have transpired with my friends because, as with the guy who had been talking to me, all the Door-ites backed up. Slowly.

My friends and I beat a hasty retreat.

But this is where it gets weird.

Out in the parking lot, just after we got back in the van but before the doors were shut, a horde of Door-ites came up to the van and actually *started climbing in after us*. They kept saying things like, "Come back inside, Jesus loves you" or quoting random spooky bible quotes.

It was like something out of 'Night of the Living Dead', except that they didn't actually eat us.

Finally, I had had enough, so I announced in a loud voice, "Listen, we're running late. We've got to get to a Satanic High Mass, and if we don't leave right now we'll never make it in time to see the sacrificing of the virgin."

It was as if I had held up a cross amongst a group of vampires, the way those Door-ites scattered.

We drove off, but as we didn't really have a high mass to go to, we went to Denny's instead. I had the Grand Slam breakfast, which is available 24 hours a day.
-

= The Nature of Greatness =

Over the course of the last week, some three people - all of who were reacting to 'The World According to Pete' - called me a "genius". In my opinion, that word gets bandied about way too much. After all, Merv Griffin - creator of TV's 'Wheel of Fortune' and 'Jeopardy' - has been called a genius.

To put it all into perspective, I came up with a list of "The Greatest Creations in the World"; just to see where I'd rank.

Greatest Creations in the World

1. The wheel

2. Sliced bread

3. 'Wheel of Fortune' & 'Jeopardy' (tie)

4. Nuclear bombs

5. 'The World According to Pete' web log

So, see, I'm not "all that", as the kids would say.

As an aside, I can't help but think of what some eccentric but intelligent person once said: "The line between genius and madness is fine indeed."

But, again, that has *nothing* to do with me. The 'voices' wanted me to make that absolutely clear to you, ok?
-

= Movie Facts =

Did you know that recent film releases, "Just Married" and "A Guy Thing" are, in reality, THE SAME MOVIE?

Ditto "They" and "Darkness Falls".

It is part of a new Hollywood ploy to increase profits by releasing crappy movies under two or more titles simultaneously.

True fact.
-

= Devil in the Details =

The other night, I had a strange dream. I dreamt I sat up in bed, but it wasn't my own bed. I don't know whose bed it was, but the bed itself isn't really relevant to this story. So let's move on, shall we?

Sitting at the foot of the bed was this old man. He had reddish-brown, leathery skin. In other words, he kind of looked like actor George Hamilton - only not as good looking.

So there I was, sitting in this bed I did not recognize, with my mouth hanging open.

The old guy flashed a devil-may-care smile, and extended his left arm toward me. His hand was closed in a fist, but with a flick of his wrist he extended his fingers.

All in the same motion, this white mist shot out of his hand, straight into my still gaping mouth.

Of course, I did what any scared shitless former Catholic would do. I reverted to childhood and began to try to recite the Lord's Prayer.

But this white mist had begun to affect my mind, trying to control it.

As I stammered, "Our... fa-fa-father... who art in... hea-heaven..." another voice - deep and foreboding - was trying to influence my thoughts so I'd say, "Our Satan who art in hell..."

But I finally got the Lord's Prayer out and, as I concluded it, the man vanished.

I woke up in a cold sweat, so decided to get up and go to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face.

As I turned on the tap, I happened to look up in the mirror to see a dried, white powdery substance caked around my mouth! My god, was it really a dream after all??

Ok, I confess - I made up that last part. My mouth was clean. But it sure made one hell of an ending to the story, didn't it?
-

= Lost Cat =

A few weeks ago, I found the following flyer in my neighborhood:

"LOST CAT

Grey & white mane under neck, hazel or yellow eyes.

Answers to Penny.

Please contact Max or Benny at (602) xxx-xxxx.

Lost Without Her. Thank you."

After reading it, I had to ask:

1. Hazel OR yellow eyes? Just how well did they know this cat? Was it even a cat? Maybe it was a dog. My cat has been dead for ten years, and I still remember the black splotch she had on the roof of her mouth.

2. Answers to Penny? When have you ever known a cat to answer to *anything*? If you get a disdainful glance, you count yourself as lucky. Wait, I take that back. Most cats do answer to one thing: The sounds of the electric can opener whirring. But that might be an instinct thing.

3. Lost without her? Great, now not only do we have to find a cat, or probable cat, with either hazel or yellow eyes, but it would appear that Max & Benny are lost too.
I'm writing up the flyer already: "Lost - Max & Benny. They may be wandering the neighborhood in a daze. So if you see two guys who look lost, please call. Note, if the guys you see have a cat with them, it's not Max & Benny. In that case, please keep looking. Thank you."
-

= Stick It to The Man =

I used to have a bumper sticker on my truck, which read, "I'm an Anarchist and I Vote", but some fascist kept stealing it. After the third sticker was stolen, I stopped replacing it.

I thought of buying the one that reads, "I'm a Libertarian, so My Vote Doesn't Count", but decided it sent the wrong message.

After all, in America, *everybody's* vote counts. Except in the presidential election, of course, when only the vote of the Electoral College counts. Just ask Al Gore.
-

= Hart <3s America =

The 'Gary Hart for President' juggernaut continues to roll across America, from sea to shining sea and through amber waves of grain.

Last week, I wrote about the political rhetoric Hart might want to use if he runs in '04. I suggested he take the position that, "We'd be safer at home, whether it be in the country itself or our own beds at night, if we had an experienced older man like Hart watching over us." Ha ha.

This week, somebody sent me the URL for Hart's site (http://www.garyhartnews.com/hart/), on which I found the potential candidate's 'Vision for the Future of this Great Nation.'

Hart wrote, "What kind of security do Americans seek today? Not just traditional national and homeland security second to none, but also security in their livelihood, security of community, and security of the natural environment."

Gee, that sounds awfully familiar.

The article is accompanied by a photo of a scowling Hart, fist raised in the air, as if to say, "I am strong! I am a leader! I did not have sexual relations with that woman!"

At this point, I'm not in the Hart Camp. I'm more of the "Anybody but Bush" mentality. Bush's "environmental policy" - an oxymoron, if there ever was one - is reason enough not to want him re-elected. Then there's that "killing people is no big deal" attitude toward Iraq, but that's another story best saved for a later date.
-

= Dating Tip for Men =

If you ask your date where she wants to go to eat and she says, "I don't know", then she really doesn't know.

However, if she says, "I don't care", then not only does she care very much, but fully expects you to figure out the restaurant she has in mind without her actually having to tell you.

This is part of the 'Dating Through Osmosis' theory of personal relationships.

Yes, sometimes woman can act goofy this way. But that's o.k., because some guys can be pretty dense in the same situation. So they pretty much cancel each other out.

That's why couples end up at the right restaurant. It is also how babies are made, children who then grow up to be more goofy and/or dense than their parents.

And *that* is the theory of 'De-evolution' in practice.

So many theories, so little time. My work is done here.
-

= Talking Amongst Ourselves =

The following exchange took place on Usenet...

'Star' wrote, in response to last week's 'How to Make America Great Again!' column, "The connection between your reality and the rest of the WORLD is purely coincidental!!"

I replied, "Well, I'll tell 'ya, Star, in an article posted on 'The World According to Pete' on Dec. 4, I stated that if the U.S. was going to go to war with Iraq because it is a "rogue nation" with a possible nuclear weapons program, then it should bomb North Korea too, for the same reasons.

Some ten days later, an Associated Press headline read, "U.S. Can Fight War on Two Fronts, Rumsfeld says"

In my column of last Tuesday, which you referenced above, I stated that, to "solve" the energy crisis, we should cover Alaska from end to end with oil rigs and gas pipelines. "Ha ha."

Today's (Friday, 1/17) CNN headline, about Alaska: "Senate Republicans make new push for arctic drilling - Oil drilling cornerstone of Bush energy plan"

So maybe my connection is stronger than you think. And maybe it just so happens that I live about one week in the future perpetually. :-) "

To which J. Clarke quipped, "Alternatively, you should shut up and stop giving Duhbya ideas."

Heh heh heh. I like the cut of your jib, j.

========================================================

Thus ends "Random Bits". If you liked this bit, please email me (click on 'Talk to Pete', at left) because, if it's popular, it could become a recurring feature here. Much like certain skits and characters on 'Saturday Night Live', which are funny the first couple of times but soon become quite annoying. You know, like "Cheerleaders", the "college dorm web cast" guys, and Chris Kattan. Although, technically, Kattan isn't a "skit or character", per se, just annoying. But you know what I mean.

- Pete




posted by Pete 10:14 PM
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